A good friend of mine showed me a Sufi book today. To tell you the truth I don't know much about what it means to be Sufi but from what I read in the book it had a lot of wisdom in it. I am not the one to define myself with one term or another therefore I'll never become Sufi or anything else regardless of how much I might be impressed by it and how much I might support it. I create my own religion and even then, as time passes by and I come to new realizations, I break its rules to accommodate new developments in my life.
The first page that I opened, in the book, was a short story about a skeptical man who found a coin made of gold but kept questioning his judgment on whether the coin was actually truly made of gold. He then decides to leave the coin and see the next person's reaction and so the next person takes the coin and thanks the universe for giving him such a gift. I laughed at the story as I saw myself being that skeptical man; with my overanalyzing I definitely might've missed out on a lot of golden coins that passed through my life. I think that this fable could be understood on many levels; it could represent many different things that happen in our daily life. A golden coin could be a person that one didn't open up to because of their skepticism of them. It could also not be about the golden coin but the skeptical man who represents all the insecurities in us; not trusting our own judgment, questioning what we perceive and relying on other people's judgment to validate our own. It could also be about the differences between people the ones that dwell and feed on stress and the ones that take things at face value. It could also be about the golden coin that was rejected once by a skeptical man but then found another to accept it the way it is.
It's funny how a small thing like this could happen during a hangout where one doesn't pay a lot of attention to but then turns out to have affected that person's thinking. I wonder if I would have spent this time thinking about the story if I haven't started blogging last week? I really doubt it...maybe blogging was my golden coin; I was skeptical at first but decided to give it a try (and for that I am neither one of the two men). I don’t think that I fully understand what this fable meant to me yet or that I have fully understood the wisdom in it but I know one thing for sure, which is that from now on I am going to try and become more appreciative of what passes through my life and I'll even be more appreciative of what sticks around.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Searching for a Purpose Again
I recently walked away from an antiwar group not because I stopped believing in the cause but because I didn't like the way that things were being run and all the hidden agendas. Walking away from the group didn't bother me at first and felt like it was the best decision I’ve made this past semester but now I can't help but feel some sort of emptiness inside...like I lost my purpose in life. I still don’t want to be part of that group with things being run the way that they have been but I do regret not sticking around and fighting to change things. I feel like I should still be doing something to help raise awareness about the wars and injustices that are going on today; especially in Palestine and Israel. I am fed up with people always trying to pin point the guilty party while innocent people are dying rather than trying to find a solution to end the atrocities. I am, according to the school, the president of the antiwar group and after I, and a group of people, walked away from the group, the group dismantled but is still recognized by the school as a legitimate student group. This got me thinking what if I change the name of the group next semester, bring in new members and turn it into a group that covers all the issues that we care about. We need new ways in which we can still talk about issues that we care about but instead of attempting to enforce our own views, we need to have debates and discussions with different opinions and perspectives present at the same time, in which the audience can get what they want out of it. This group should tackle different issues from devastating effects of war, to global warming, to the corporate world, to eating healthy and exercising. I want to watch movies that will educate us about different cultures, different lifestyles, and different historic events that can teach us valuable lessons, different atrocities that are going on around us…I want to learn about and tackle everything that humans have an affect on and that is within our hands to change. Maybe we’ll call it “Social Conscience” or “The Road to Social Conscience” or “Starting at Home Base” (The last one basically means that if one has the desire to change the world and make it better, then one must first begin by changing and improving themselves).
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Until it is clearly stated, it doesn’t exist
I said before that I am going to start taking things at face value. No more overanalyzing things that occur in my life. However, I can’t help but notice the way he looks at me and I can’t help but speculate what it means. I’ve told him before I want nothing more than just friendship and he said he wants the same…and I know what you are thinking but it wasn’t one of those moments where he tried to save his pride and said that he wanted what I wanted so that it doesn’t seem like he got rejected...or at least I don't think that it was one of those moments...It felt sincere to me, the way that he said it made me believe that he wants nothing more than friendship. And although I want to take things at face value and stop overanalyzing things, I can’t help but think about this look. Things were cool between us and I like them the way they were; but yesterday he started looking at me differently; it just doesn’t feel like a friendship kind of look and I am not sure if it is the ‘I want more’ kinda look…I just don’t know what to make of it. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t really matter, whatever that look means it's not going to change anything from my end, so I am putting this thought to an end: it doesn’t matter what that look means, what matters is that if that look is hiding feelings beneath it then he needs to explain that to me or else I will not worry about it.
I will not worry about what is going on in the other persons' heads…If if feel something is different; I am still going to be myself and instead of avoiding that person when I start feeling like they might have real feelings for me (which is what I usually do), I am going to keep things the way they are and if that person wants more then it is his responsibility to talk to me about it even if that person is upset/bothered by me then it is also their responsibility to explain that to me and in return I will be completely honest. But by doing what I always do - which is avoiding someone when I start feeling like there is something different from their end fearing that whatever it is it might escalate - I am putting myself through a series of never-ending thoughts and I will not do that anymore.
From now on – Until it is clearly stated, it doesn’t exist – that is my policy!
Irony of Life
Different events took place in my life recently that made realize how life sometimes can be ironic.
A friend of mine wasn't willing to give up her own freedom and lie to herself for this guy who wanted all of her to fulfill his own insecurities. So this guy infuriated by this, spent the past 4 months of his life trying to portray her to people as a horrible Satanist person who only loves herself and cares about no one else. However, today after consuming all his time writing hate notes and poems about her, he decided to post something to portray the love and beauty in the world and so he posted a picture of a beautiful piece of street art. I saw the picture and laughed because the beauty he finally saw in the world was made by her...this Art Work that he loved was her Work of Art!
Two of the people in my life, who I truly care about, have been building this mock flirtatious friendship. None of them sees this friendship as a real option only as innocent fun. The irony is that their being together is the solution of a problem yet the cause of another. They feed each other’s ego, allowing them to overcome their insecurities but only for the moment. However, this confidence boost is not a permanent solution for their insecurities; it is conditioned on them being together and on other, so called ‘serious’, options being out of the picture. Having this friendship makes them feel good because they are getting attention from the other sex with no obligations or compromises. Yet this friendship to them is not a serious option, which also destroys their confidence. The truth is that one of them wants to feel the attention he used to get from girls without the obligation of having to be with one of them. The other enjoys the attention she receives from him and the fact that she doesn't have to put her feelings out in the open and face the possibility of being rejected; the idea is unrealistic to her that going after it is nothing but a joke and since she never took it seriously then she can't really get rejected. But because they don't consider it as a real option, it destroys their confidence too and stands in the way of them obtaining something real with ‘serious’ options out there. This friendship that is feeding their egos is making them feel good but because it is not taken seriously it is also crushing them and making them think "why can't I have something like this but real with someone I truly care about?". However, speaking from experience extensive flirting will result in confusion. It's like an addiction; you become so accustomed to having it that when you lose it, you miss it, making you re-evaluate what it meant to you in the first place. Anyways, putting the irony of the situation aside, I hope this doesn't end badly...but I have a feeling that only one of them will survive this.
This incident I will not elaborate on but I just found it extremely ironic that one incident could caused me to lose some respect for a person that I gained so much respect for a while ago and cause me to gain some respect for a person who I completely lost respect for a while ago. It is like I traveled back in time only this time the roles were reversed.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Surviving without What We Thought was Vital
I've been without a car for almost a month now...my beloved car broke down and I haven't managed to replace her yet. We called her Betsy because she reminded me of an old lady that was really cool when she was younger. When Betsy first broke down I thought I need to get another car immediately; I can't survive without a car. It has been about a month now (maybe a little over a month) and I am still without a car, but although I miss having Betsy and the amount of freedom that comes with it I am still doing much better than I expected. At first I was willing to buy any car just so I wouldn't be without one but now I am in no rush anymore...I want to find a perfect match; I want to find the car that will eventually mean to me as much as Betsy meant to me.
This experience made me think about people in general. We always have a fear of losing something that we've become accustomed to having; thinking that without that thing life would have no meaning. But the truth is we, as people, have no need for anything or anyone. Having things and people in our lives might make life easier and more enjoyable but in reality these things are not a necessity we can still live just as easily and just as happily we only have to teach our bodies and minds to re-adjust to the new realities.
About three months ago, I got in a conversation with one of my best friends, who I used to see everyday and talk to at least 4 times a day when we're not together. The conversation was about how we couldn't imagine our lives without each other. How it would be horrible and neither one of us would be able to survive it. Three months later, I barely talk to him anymore, and I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. I feel bad that this is what we got to; we were inseparable. And I think I am talking about this now, because I feel a little guilty because I've been ignoring his calls lately but I got to see a side of him that made me lose a lot of respect for him. How can I still be the same towards him if I barely have any respect left for him? All that I see when I look at him is a weak pathetic person who keeps trying to logically justify his weaknesses and nothing pisses me off more than hearing him validating his self-destructive behavior. I care about him...I really do. But I will not stand by & watch him dig his own grave knowing that when it comes down to it he might even be able to find a logical explanation on why he should throw me in that grave instead. I went from telling him everything that goes through my mind; he knew everything about me, to telling him absolutely nothing and even purposely hiding things from him.
I think I hold myself to high standards when it comes to friendships. What got me through what happened between my parents were the loyal friends that I had. And I think that that particular experience made me appreciate having loyal friends in my life and from that point on there is nothing that I wouldn't do for my friends but I also expect the same from them. Knowing that I would always put my friends before myself I tend to expect a similar thing from them. But I also know that as a friend I would never allow them to make a sacrifice for me. This combination of things makes me expect a lot from them...not certain actions per se...But feeling that the will to do them exists. I think some people go through life without having great friends that they can rely on and therefore they go through life with little to no expectations from who they call friends. But I think having had great friends I have high standards for new friends that come into my life. And I think we all should hold ourselves and others to high standards of friendship.
This experience made me think about people in general. We always have a fear of losing something that we've become accustomed to having; thinking that without that thing life would have no meaning. But the truth is we, as people, have no need for anything or anyone. Having things and people in our lives might make life easier and more enjoyable but in reality these things are not a necessity we can still live just as easily and just as happily we only have to teach our bodies and minds to re-adjust to the new realities.
About three months ago, I got in a conversation with one of my best friends, who I used to see everyday and talk to at least 4 times a day when we're not together. The conversation was about how we couldn't imagine our lives without each other. How it would be horrible and neither one of us would be able to survive it. Three months later, I barely talk to him anymore, and I don't feel like I am missing out on anything. I feel bad that this is what we got to; we were inseparable. And I think I am talking about this now, because I feel a little guilty because I've been ignoring his calls lately but I got to see a side of him that made me lose a lot of respect for him. How can I still be the same towards him if I barely have any respect left for him? All that I see when I look at him is a weak pathetic person who keeps trying to logically justify his weaknesses and nothing pisses me off more than hearing him validating his self-destructive behavior. I care about him...I really do. But I will not stand by & watch him dig his own grave knowing that when it comes down to it he might even be able to find a logical explanation on why he should throw me in that grave instead. I went from telling him everything that goes through my mind; he knew everything about me, to telling him absolutely nothing and even purposely hiding things from him.
I think I hold myself to high standards when it comes to friendships. What got me through what happened between my parents were the loyal friends that I had. And I think that that particular experience made me appreciate having loyal friends in my life and from that point on there is nothing that I wouldn't do for my friends but I also expect the same from them. Knowing that I would always put my friends before myself I tend to expect a similar thing from them. But I also know that as a friend I would never allow them to make a sacrifice for me. This combination of things makes me expect a lot from them...not certain actions per se...But feeling that the will to do them exists. I think some people go through life without having great friends that they can rely on and therefore they go through life with little to no expectations from who they call friends. But I think having had great friends I have high standards for new friends that come into my life. And I think we all should hold ourselves and others to high standards of friendship.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
A Look into my Past that Rarely Ceases to Shape my Future
Many things happened through out my life that made me the way that I am today...especially when it comes to how I am with guys. It is said in physics that to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In my case, it works similar to how the brakes of a car work. You apply pressure to the brake pedal; let’s say after the car has been going 80 mph, and the car stops. This relatively small amount of pressure applied to the pedal generated an enormous force that applied pressure to the tires and stopped them from spinning. So in other words, this action taken, of applying pressure to the pedal created a reaction but the reaction was not of equal force or of opposite direction. I guess what I am trying to express through this metaphor, is that I’ve come to realize that as a result of what my father did, I have been taken it out at some times at a bigger extent on the wrong people; I’ve treated some guys like dirt…who I thought were assholes and I had no intentions of seeing ever again...I broke down their egos and humiliated them...I was proud of myself but now I think I was a little harsh...those big egos are covering up insecurities and not assholeness (if I may create this term).
After 24 years of marriage my dad did everything in his power to destroy and humiliate my mom. His kids throughout this 24 years of marriage were only an accessory to his wife. We were a part of my mom or a tool to be used against her. If they got in a fight, he leaves the house for weeks stays at an apartment that we owned and doesn’t talk to either one of us until my mom calls and apologizes for the disagreement that happened, although she didn’t believe it was her fault. She did it every time; she would pick up the phone and call him, beg him to come back…she didn’t do it for her love for him, although it started that way - I also believe her love for him had died a long time before then but having kids and being married delayed her from leaving him – no, she did it for her love for us. She couldn’t handle us wondering what happened to him, where he went, what is he doing and is he ok. She ran out of excuses and lies to cover up for him. And so she would call him each and every time begging him to come back. This is what my mother did for love; although it was for the love she has for her kids…I also know that she got in this mess in the first place for her love for my father. They got married when she was only 21 years old, barely knows what she wants out of life. He was 27 years old knows exactly what he wanted from life. The first few years were great my mom was being manipulated by him and he was controlling her life, yet she was soooo ‘in love’ that she didn’t notice it – he was steering the ship and she was happily onboard. 5 years later as she began to realize what she wanted in life and that his dreams and aspirations for her are not what she wants, everything started to fall apart. But it was too late to leave now…she had a little girl and a little boy who needed their father in their lives and she was pregnant with the 3rd (me).
Being young I saw the sacrifices my mom made on daily basis for him and for us. At the age of 11, I learned that when my father wants to hang out with me, buy me something or give me attention it is only because he just got in a fight with my mother and wants to win me and my siblings over to his side. At age of 11, I started telling my dad you want to play cards…fine I’ll play cards but only if mom plays with us. At age of 12, when he gives me attention I would tell him go make up with my mother then come talk to me. At age of 13, I would barely communicate with my dad anymore. We pass each other like strangers in a bad neighborhood. You keep your head down avoid eye contact and pretend like you never passed by that person. Actually at age 12, I begged my mom to get a divorce; I told her "you can do better, what are you doing with him?…how did you even fall for him in the first place?"…haha it’s kind of sad when you come to think of it. She would always say the same thing “Honey that is your dad, don’t say this, you love him and we are a family…I will not be the one to break a family”.
After 24 years of marriage my dad did everything in his power to destroy and humiliate my mom. His kids throughout this 24 years of marriage were only an accessory to his wife. We were a part of my mom or a tool to be used against her. If they got in a fight, he leaves the house for weeks stays at an apartment that we owned and doesn’t talk to either one of us until my mom calls and apologizes for the disagreement that happened, although she didn’t believe it was her fault. She did it every time; she would pick up the phone and call him, beg him to come back…she didn’t do it for her love for him, although it started that way - I also believe her love for him had died a long time before then but having kids and being married delayed her from leaving him – no, she did it for her love for us. She couldn’t handle us wondering what happened to him, where he went, what is he doing and is he ok. She ran out of excuses and lies to cover up for him. And so she would call him each and every time begging him to come back. This is what my mother did for love; although it was for the love she has for her kids…I also know that she got in this mess in the first place for her love for my father. They got married when she was only 21 years old, barely knows what she wants out of life. He was 27 years old knows exactly what he wanted from life. The first few years were great my mom was being manipulated by him and he was controlling her life, yet she was soooo ‘in love’ that she didn’t notice it – he was steering the ship and she was happily onboard. 5 years later as she began to realize what she wanted in life and that his dreams and aspirations for her are not what she wants, everything started to fall apart. But it was too late to leave now…she had a little girl and a little boy who needed their father in their lives and she was pregnant with the 3rd (me).
Being young I saw the sacrifices my mom made on daily basis for him and for us. At the age of 11, I learned that when my father wants to hang out with me, buy me something or give me attention it is only because he just got in a fight with my mother and wants to win me and my siblings over to his side. At age of 11, I started telling my dad you want to play cards…fine I’ll play cards but only if mom plays with us. At age of 12, when he gives me attention I would tell him go make up with my mother then come talk to me. At age of 13, I would barely communicate with my dad anymore. We pass each other like strangers in a bad neighborhood. You keep your head down avoid eye contact and pretend like you never passed by that person. Actually at age 12, I begged my mom to get a divorce; I told her "you can do better, what are you doing with him?…how did you even fall for him in the first place?"…haha it’s kind of sad when you come to think of it. She would always say the same thing “Honey that is your dad, don’t say this, you love him and we are a family…I will not be the one to break a family”.
I remember one time he came to visit (we were living at a different country because my mom got a great job opportunity in UAE) and my mom paid for all his expenses brought him over to visit every two weeks. One day she was at work and he came to my room and said “I need you to tell your mom that you are miserable here and want to go back home” I laughed and said “are you serious?!!! I have never been happier…if you want her to go back you tell her that, I am not going to lie to her”. He looked at me with this look that I can never get out of my head…this look that I, as a person, am scum…do not deserve to be alive, and he finally said: “I am going to divorce your mother, your sisters and brother will leave with me and you…you will live with your mom knowing that the reason your parents got a divorce, the reason your siblings hate your mother and the reason your mother is suffering and miserable is because of you and your selfishness”. I was 12 years old when he told me that!!! I was 12 f*cking years old!!! How can you say that to a 12 year old? What does a 12 year old understand about life anyway? I looked at him and I said “if you get a divorce my siblings will stay with my mother…because in case you haven’t noticed you haven’t been a big part of our life…and if you get a divorce that might be the best thing for my 2 year old sister because then she wouldn’t have to know what a horrible father you are” I then ran to my room and locked the door for six hours until my mom came back home. I never told her what happened that day when she was at work until recently. That night, I sat at the dinner table watched them talk, eat, joke and laugh. And did not say one word about what he said to me. It was never the same after that…it was the moment that I lost complete respect for him. Before I was angry at him because I wanted to feel like he loves me and I am not just an accessory to my mom that you can use against her as leverage when you feel like it. I was still looking for his approval but after that day I never looked at him the same again. He knew that things between us will never be the same and that we will never recover from this. Over the years he would still continue to manipulate my brother and sister who hated me and my mom for while but eventually came around.
When I turned 15, I started leaving the house when my dad walked in (at that point we were living in two different cities because of my mom’s job – but they were still together). I would go over one of my friends’ houses or my cousins’ or the pool… anywhere but home; I couldn’t stand the sound of his voice, it irritated me. If I don’t leave the house fast enough then it was guaranteed that we will get in an argument that always escalated to him calling me a whore just like my mother. The last time I saw him, I was 16 years old, and at that point we haven’t spoken for over 3 years (besides the arguments of course). I have to mention that many things happened in the months prior to this but I’ve been thinking about including what happened in this posting but I decided I’d rather not get into it…therefore what you need to know is that the worst thing that he’s done was during that period of time…I was used as a part of a messed up plan to destroy my mom and my mom fell for it because I was a good excuse at that time. After this event took place he wasn’t welcomed into our apartment anymore but would still show up to piss my mom off who would let him in to avoid a scene and humiliating him in front of us. So the last time that I saw him, he was sitting in our living room pretending to be the king of the house…joking with my older sister and brother…brought some gifts for my younger sister…I walked in and it looked like a happy family but missing me and my mother and based around the devil!!! It was irritating to me so I sit in my room and then I hear him saying bad things about my mom, her parents, her brothers and her entire family who have only been extremely nice to him their whole entire lives. So I marched right out of my room asked him to leave our house and never come back and I told him that I am embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that I am even related to him and that I would rather be anything besides his daughter. His response was that he stopped considering me his daughter a long time ago and I said to him “I consider that an honor, I finally don’t have to consider killing myself so I wouldn’t be associated with you” and I asked him sarcastically “can we make it official?”. I have never seen him that angry before. At that point there was no one besides me and him in the living room as my little sister was taken outside by the nanny, my brother and sister each went to their rooms to avoid escalation of the situation. He threw the remote control on the floor and it made a big bang. My brother came rushing out of his room, holding a leather belt with a big metal buckle and a wooden hanger. My brother thought that my dad had hit me and he left his room enraged about to beat him unconscious. At that point my father ran and hid behind my mother, my brother said “one of those days when you are walking on your own in the dark [actually he even said a night with no moonlight] be careful and look behind you because it is coming and you’ll get what you deserve”. My father started crying! A grown man crying…it is not a beautiful thing to see but I had no pity.
What was shocking about this wasn’t that I saw him crying but that the person who was wiping his tears off was my mother. Compared to the harm he has done to my mother, I’ve suffered nothing! Yet she is the one standing there wiping his tears off of his face and telling my brother to go back to his room. I stood there speechless; I couldn’t comprehend it. Her ability to forget about what he did to her and to feel sorry for him showed me what a great person she is and how much love she has for people in her heart. I actually got to a point where I pictured myself stabbing him repeatedly until he died and stopped making those irritating snorts that he makes constantly. I started thinking that I am a horrible person for thinking that way, when my mother is sitting there wiping off his tears. But then I realize, whoever you are, you can mess with me, you can hurt me; physically, psychologically and emotionally, I will have no desire in harming you or seeking revenge…I will just be done with you and if at some point you need my help I will help you out but I will never be close to you again. But I also learned that if you mess with my mom, my siblings, my friends…I will destroy you. I am not a violent person, growing up and learning more about myself I know that I cannot kill another human being, I cannot even just hurt them physically but what I am capable of doing if you hurt one of my loved ones I can destroy you psychologically and that is worse than physical injury because it takes longer to heal if you can ever truly recover.
I’ve come a long way since the last time I spoke to my dad. I went through a series of changes starting August of 2008. I decided to forgive him; I learned that I will never move on unless I forgive him for what he has done to our family. After I forgave him I realized that he did love us, he just never knew how to love someone…his definition of love was to control that person because that is how he protects the ones he loves from what he thinks is bad for them. I decided to forgive him not because I am a great forgiving person but for my own selfish reasons…I needed to move on with my life. I forgave him and if he needs my help, I will help him because I have pity to other human beings even animals have pity towards each other. However, he will never re-enter my life even if I decide to have kids they will never know he exists or get to meet him for their lives will be much better without knowing him. His two kids I will never meet – those are not my half brothers since the only connection I have with them doesn’t mean anything to me now, therefore, I have no obligation towards them. If I see him one day walking down the street I will smile politely as I would a stranger and walk away, I will not look back and I will not feel bad. I wish him the best of luck in his life. And I hope he learned from his mistakes and doesn't treat his kids or wife the way he treated us...because this is his second chance and no one really knows how many chances we get.
When I turned 15, I started leaving the house when my dad walked in (at that point we were living in two different cities because of my mom’s job – but they were still together). I would go over one of my friends’ houses or my cousins’ or the pool… anywhere but home; I couldn’t stand the sound of his voice, it irritated me. If I don’t leave the house fast enough then it was guaranteed that we will get in an argument that always escalated to him calling me a whore just like my mother. The last time I saw him, I was 16 years old, and at that point we haven’t spoken for over 3 years (besides the arguments of course). I have to mention that many things happened in the months prior to this but I’ve been thinking about including what happened in this posting but I decided I’d rather not get into it…therefore what you need to know is that the worst thing that he’s done was during that period of time…I was used as a part of a messed up plan to destroy my mom and my mom fell for it because I was a good excuse at that time. After this event took place he wasn’t welcomed into our apartment anymore but would still show up to piss my mom off who would let him in to avoid a scene and humiliating him in front of us. So the last time that I saw him, he was sitting in our living room pretending to be the king of the house…joking with my older sister and brother…brought some gifts for my younger sister…I walked in and it looked like a happy family but missing me and my mother and based around the devil!!! It was irritating to me so I sit in my room and then I hear him saying bad things about my mom, her parents, her brothers and her entire family who have only been extremely nice to him their whole entire lives. So I marched right out of my room asked him to leave our house and never come back and I told him that I am embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that I am even related to him and that I would rather be anything besides his daughter. His response was that he stopped considering me his daughter a long time ago and I said to him “I consider that an honor, I finally don’t have to consider killing myself so I wouldn’t be associated with you” and I asked him sarcastically “can we make it official?”. I have never seen him that angry before. At that point there was no one besides me and him in the living room as my little sister was taken outside by the nanny, my brother and sister each went to their rooms to avoid escalation of the situation. He threw the remote control on the floor and it made a big bang. My brother came rushing out of his room, holding a leather belt with a big metal buckle and a wooden hanger. My brother thought that my dad had hit me and he left his room enraged about to beat him unconscious. At that point my father ran and hid behind my mother, my brother said “one of those days when you are walking on your own in the dark [actually he even said a night with no moonlight] be careful and look behind you because it is coming and you’ll get what you deserve”. My father started crying! A grown man crying…it is not a beautiful thing to see but I had no pity.
What was shocking about this wasn’t that I saw him crying but that the person who was wiping his tears off was my mother. Compared to the harm he has done to my mother, I’ve suffered nothing! Yet she is the one standing there wiping his tears off of his face and telling my brother to go back to his room. I stood there speechless; I couldn’t comprehend it. Her ability to forget about what he did to her and to feel sorry for him showed me what a great person she is and how much love she has for people in her heart. I actually got to a point where I pictured myself stabbing him repeatedly until he died and stopped making those irritating snorts that he makes constantly. I started thinking that I am a horrible person for thinking that way, when my mother is sitting there wiping off his tears. But then I realize, whoever you are, you can mess with me, you can hurt me; physically, psychologically and emotionally, I will have no desire in harming you or seeking revenge…I will just be done with you and if at some point you need my help I will help you out but I will never be close to you again. But I also learned that if you mess with my mom, my siblings, my friends…I will destroy you. I am not a violent person, growing up and learning more about myself I know that I cannot kill another human being, I cannot even just hurt them physically but what I am capable of doing if you hurt one of my loved ones I can destroy you psychologically and that is worse than physical injury because it takes longer to heal if you can ever truly recover.
I’ve come a long way since the last time I spoke to my dad. I went through a series of changes starting August of 2008. I decided to forgive him; I learned that I will never move on unless I forgive him for what he has done to our family. After I forgave him I realized that he did love us, he just never knew how to love someone…his definition of love was to control that person because that is how he protects the ones he loves from what he thinks is bad for them. I decided to forgive him not because I am a great forgiving person but for my own selfish reasons…I needed to move on with my life. I forgave him and if he needs my help, I will help him because I have pity to other human beings even animals have pity towards each other. However, he will never re-enter my life even if I decide to have kids they will never know he exists or get to meet him for their lives will be much better without knowing him. His two kids I will never meet – those are not my half brothers since the only connection I have with them doesn’t mean anything to me now, therefore, I have no obligation towards them. If I see him one day walking down the street I will smile politely as I would a stranger and walk away, I will not look back and I will not feel bad. I wish him the best of luck in his life. And I hope he learned from his mistakes and doesn't treat his kids or wife the way he treated us...because this is his second chance and no one really knows how many chances we get.
What Lies Beneath?
One of my guy friends, who doesn’t know me that well, said that Circe would be a perfect nickname for me. When I asked him why, he said that she is a powerful goddess who lures men and then turns them into pigs and kills them. That definition is not quite accurate but the fact that this is what he thought she represented and still thought it was a perfect nickname for me, made feel awful. About a couple of days later, two of my closest friends mentioned that I flirt a lot with guys and that I lead men on when I want nothing besides friendship from them. They gave a couple of examples one I didn’t expect and the other I was well aware of. Hearing about the first made me feel confused and very cautious of how I act around men. As for the second, I didn’t really care that I might be leading him on when I wanted nothing because at that point I didn’t trust him; I thought he was selfish, manipulative and only wanted sex. Anyways, things took an interesting shift shortly after they got started and now I know that he is not a bad person. It’s funny how people change after going through one thing! I honestly never thought we'll ever become friends because I knew him a while ago which stood in the way of me being open to who he is now. What is interesting is that although I know he changed I still am careful around even though he has been nothing but a great friend to me and he has always been there for me and I should be able to fully trust him...but I think he reminds me of myself at times which keeps me cautious (this statement in itself is sad - the fact that him reminding me of myself scares me).
However, some of my friends tend to be very protective and possessive of him which probably what made them talk to me about flirting in the first place, which is one for the most frustrating factors in my group of friend; I feel like I am under attack every time that he is mentioned because he needs their protection. And the amount of attention that they give him makes me not want to give him any. I find it disturbing that their daily plans revolve around what he might want to do later on…it drives me crazy! What about their own lives? It is like they are his fan club and don’t get me wrong I respect what he does and I fully support him and I think he knows that but, oh my god, it doesn't mean I need to be carrying pom-poms day and night putting my life on pause to constantly cheer him on even when he is doing daily activities! I respect him more than to do that ... unfortunately what our friends don't realize is that he is a grown man and can take care of himself and he is capable of asking for help when he needs it. Anyways, this is besides the point, but tends to be a little frustrating.Going back to the original topic, I can’t help but feel a little frustrated when I am the one taking all the blame for most of my encounters with guys, where in reality we are all equally guilty. But why do I even call it being guilty? Why should there even be any blame or guilt involved? And so what if we flirt and have a little fun? I am starting to think some people need to take the sticks out of their asses and enjoy life a little!! But in all seriousness I care about my friends feeling comfortable around me and I would never want to be responsible for ruining a great group of friends and building walls in the midst of the group. I had a conversation with one of my friends (who I thought was constantly judging me) and I learned that they are my friends and they want me to be happy as long as I "own up to it" and quit the mind games because someone will end up getting hurt...they want me to quit rejecting guys and have a serious & stable relationship (which it hurts me to admit but I think I actually might want that too) but will I ever be able to do that? My problem with most of my relationships is that I go for guys that I constantly play mind games with that when the mind games are gone the excitement goes with it, when the challenge is concurred there is nothing left.
Shortly after, I got analyzed by a group of guys and this is what they said I have a need to constantly win, everything thing is only interesting to me as long as it is a challenge and the second that I win it is not interesting to me anymore. They said that I have a need to be in control all the time. That I have power over men, aware of it and enjoy having it. This got me thinking, thinking and thinking some more. I've never felt more like an open book; my actions were so obvious and being read out loud but my reasons...my reasons were not understood...the words in that book that describe my reasons were twisted and misread. I admit that I might act in a certain way but it is not because I am a bad person but I think it is because I am confused and I want to protect myself.
Later on another two close people to me said that I am a tease and I do it to crush men and their big egos and that I might want to look within and see why I do it. They didn’t think that I am horrible for doing it, they said it all seems like fun but they believe that there is an actual reason why I don’t let anyone close. And so I started thinking, do I have a problem? I dug deep into my own past and got some answers.
Ever since then I talked to many people who know me and they all think that its all for fun and that I have nothing to worry about but in the back of my mind I now realize that there is more to it than just teasing and having fun. These comments from those people put me through a lot of sleepless nights not because of what they said about me but because of what they made me realize which is that my past, my father, affected my life more than I realized and that that chapter of my past is still shaping my future. One point needs to be made before I finish talking about flirting...I am not changing; what matters are not peoples' expectations or wants from me but my own expectations and wants for myself. If I like you as a friend and you misread my signals then I apologize but I will not avoid you, run and hide until you realize it on your own. I do not hurt people...we have fun...nothing wrong with a little flirting I just need to be more careful with sensitive guys and I need to allow the ones I like to get closer and strip myself from the masks that I hide behind. Ha I can see it happening; one of these days some guy is going to outsmart me, call me out on my shit and be so blunt and straight forward that I wouldn’t know what to do and I think then for the first time I'll be taking a chance rather than just settling for something.
However, some of my friends tend to be very protective and possessive of him which probably what made them talk to me about flirting in the first place, which is one for the most frustrating factors in my group of friend; I feel like I am under attack every time that he is mentioned because he needs their protection. And the amount of attention that they give him makes me not want to give him any. I find it disturbing that their daily plans revolve around what he might want to do later on…it drives me crazy! What about their own lives? It is like they are his fan club and don’t get me wrong I respect what he does and I fully support him and I think he knows that but, oh my god, it doesn't mean I need to be carrying pom-poms day and night putting my life on pause to constantly cheer him on even when he is doing daily activities! I respect him more than to do that ... unfortunately what our friends don't realize is that he is a grown man and can take care of himself and he is capable of asking for help when he needs it. Anyways, this is besides the point, but tends to be a little frustrating.Going back to the original topic, I can’t help but feel a little frustrated when I am the one taking all the blame for most of my encounters with guys, where in reality we are all equally guilty. But why do I even call it being guilty? Why should there even be any blame or guilt involved? And so what if we flirt and have a little fun? I am starting to think some people need to take the sticks out of their asses and enjoy life a little!! But in all seriousness I care about my friends feeling comfortable around me and I would never want to be responsible for ruining a great group of friends and building walls in the midst of the group. I had a conversation with one of my friends (who I thought was constantly judging me) and I learned that they are my friends and they want me to be happy as long as I "own up to it" and quit the mind games because someone will end up getting hurt...they want me to quit rejecting guys and have a serious & stable relationship (which it hurts me to admit but I think I actually might want that too) but will I ever be able to do that? My problem with most of my relationships is that I go for guys that I constantly play mind games with that when the mind games are gone the excitement goes with it, when the challenge is concurred there is nothing left.
Shortly after, I got analyzed by a group of guys and this is what they said I have a need to constantly win, everything thing is only interesting to me as long as it is a challenge and the second that I win it is not interesting to me anymore. They said that I have a need to be in control all the time. That I have power over men, aware of it and enjoy having it. This got me thinking, thinking and thinking some more. I've never felt more like an open book; my actions were so obvious and being read out loud but my reasons...my reasons were not understood...the words in that book that describe my reasons were twisted and misread. I admit that I might act in a certain way but it is not because I am a bad person but I think it is because I am confused and I want to protect myself.
Later on another two close people to me said that I am a tease and I do it to crush men and their big egos and that I might want to look within and see why I do it. They didn’t think that I am horrible for doing it, they said it all seems like fun but they believe that there is an actual reason why I don’t let anyone close. And so I started thinking, do I have a problem? I dug deep into my own past and got some answers.
Ever since then I talked to many people who know me and they all think that its all for fun and that I have nothing to worry about but in the back of my mind I now realize that there is more to it than just teasing and having fun. These comments from those people put me through a lot of sleepless nights not because of what they said about me but because of what they made me realize which is that my past, my father, affected my life more than I realized and that that chapter of my past is still shaping my future. One point needs to be made before I finish talking about flirting...I am not changing; what matters are not peoples' expectations or wants from me but my own expectations and wants for myself. If I like you as a friend and you misread my signals then I apologize but I will not avoid you, run and hide until you realize it on your own. I do not hurt people...we have fun...nothing wrong with a little flirting I just need to be more careful with sensitive guys and I need to allow the ones I like to get closer and strip myself from the masks that I hide behind. Ha I can see it happening; one of these days some guy is going to outsmart me, call me out on my shit and be so blunt and straight forward that I wouldn’t know what to do and I think then for the first time I'll be taking a chance rather than just settling for something.
First Attempt
I have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Different thoughts have been crossing my mind. I don’t know what to make of them or how to read them. I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused before in my life. I’ve been trying to figure out the difference between my self-perception and how others perceive me, what I mean by my actions and what is understood from them. I've been going over the goals that I set for myself years ago and now I am trying, after 4 years in college, to figure out if I still want the same. I've been trying to understand myself and read my feelings (it sounds funny that a person wouldn’t know how they feel about something or someone but the truth is that I don’t allow much space for feelings when it is faced with logic…but if we as people even create our own reality, doesn’t that mean we also create our own logic? Meaning that we find logic in what we want and miss it in what we don’t). Like I said I have been struggling with a lot lately and this, what I’ve just mentioned, doesn’t even begin to explain what goes on in my head. I know that I have a really strong manipulative mind that plays games on me...I can convince myself anything and make it happen…this can be good at times but it is also bad at other times.
The upside of it is that I managed to get myself to go on a strict diet that became a lifestyle and resulted in me losing 50 pounds in a healthy way. It’s difficult to admit this but I used to be a size 13, almost 14, in September/October of last year…by January I would fit in a size 6, and two days ago I fit in a size 3!! I managed, after 3 years of smoking, to quite cold turkey - I cheat from time to time but I am not back to smoking nor will I ever be - my goal was to reach a point where I can smoke for fun sometimes but I don't feel the need to smoke. I managed to go on a juice fast for 3 days where I have to admit I got a little hungry the first two days…but then a week later I decided to do it again and I convinced myself that I was full and for 3 days not once did I feel hungry or thought about food. I also just started running and I see myself improving everyday. I ran for 9.5 minutes yesterday, I could've gone for more but I wanted to stick to my training schedule. 9 minutes might not seem like a lot but the fact that 2 weeks ago I couldn’t even run for more than 2 minutes I consider that as an accomplishment. I’ve also been vegetarian for 2 months now…I don’t miss meat and I don’t think I want to eat it ever again. My decision to become vegetarian was a temporary one for health purposes but I might just stick to it…after all I can take vitamins that will make up for the proteins and nutrients I am missing out on and at the same time I wouldn't play part of the brutal slaughtering of animals at animal farms anymore and who knows maybe i'll inspire people to do the same. I also overcame most of my fears besides one that I am not sure if I'll ever overcome. But for the ones that I overcame: fear of heights - I went skydiving; fear of dogs - kept exposing myself to them; fear of dark water - swam in the ocean at midnight when the moon was hiding and jumped in quaries...I've accomplished a lot of the challenges that I set up for myself but it's becoming a necessity for me to have a constant challenge to concur, or else life wont be interesting anymore. Having goals and achieving them is very addicting; it gives you a high but the feeling ends as soon as it is not a challenge anymore.
The downside of having a mind like mine is that I constantly confuse myself, by doubting and rethinking everything. The more I dig deeper into my own brain for answers the more that I get confused and bewildered. I always believed that one shouldn't get involved in something if it is too complicated but I am starting to change my mind lately and starting to replace it with the mentality: why not give it a shot?
This is my first blog! The idea was proposed to me by a friend last night (who has managed to inspire me many times) ...I laughed at first and thought what do I have to teach people...but then I realized I am not doing this to teach people anything I am doing this to help myself figure out what I want...but if my experiences help someone figure out something then that is just great. In general, through this I hope to gain control over my life that is becoming everyday more and more like a bollywood movie that has a French movie ending!!!
The reason that my life has become like a bollywood movie is because I am a thinker I spend most of my time thinking and analyzing yet what drives me crazy is my inability to analyze myself or the reasons for which I do things. By writing down my thoughts I am hoping that it'll allow me to slow down my thoughts, capture them and view myself though them objectively and finally figure out what I want. Figure out if the reason I am avoiding someone is fear of what having feelings for him might make me do or how it may change me or force me to make compromises. That when I start having real feelings for that person, freak out, and run away as I usually do is there a possibility that I might bump into them again? Well, what if we are from the same circle of friends, what if we go to the same school or what if we work together, how do I get away if he managed capture me? But I shouldn't even want to run away then...but be open to the possibility to having something serious and real for a change!!! I shouldn't be so reluctant to give something a try or someone a chance but my experiences in life drove me to create walls around me that by the time a guy is finally almost through all of them, they lose hope and back off...and I can see it in their eyes they are not over me but they are done with constantly feeling rejected by me and see no hope of otherwise. Repeatedly putting themselves "out there" while they get nothing but mind games and stupid remarks in return. One of my biggest fears is putting myself "out there", admitting that I might have feelings for someone else, and allowing myself to care about someone; I am well aware of that. I have been able to almost change everything about myself but this is one thing that I struggle with everyday with people I care about. My ego and pride doesn't even allow me to tell someone that they are getting close to breaking through these walls that I tend to put up. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to tell them to come back you have made it through. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to approach them and say "hey I like you...wanna give it a shot?" althought I expect that from every guy I would consider going out with. I would always explain my behavior as playing hard to get but I realized that that is just bullshit. When playing hard to get, there is balance, you end up throwing them a bone every once and a while(not that I am calling men dogs)...my policy is strike strike strike and don't leave time to be struck back.
The upside of it is that I managed to get myself to go on a strict diet that became a lifestyle and resulted in me losing 50 pounds in a healthy way. It’s difficult to admit this but I used to be a size 13, almost 14, in September/October of last year…by January I would fit in a size 6, and two days ago I fit in a size 3!! I managed, after 3 years of smoking, to quite cold turkey - I cheat from time to time but I am not back to smoking nor will I ever be - my goal was to reach a point where I can smoke for fun sometimes but I don't feel the need to smoke. I managed to go on a juice fast for 3 days where I have to admit I got a little hungry the first two days…but then a week later I decided to do it again and I convinced myself that I was full and for 3 days not once did I feel hungry or thought about food. I also just started running and I see myself improving everyday. I ran for 9.5 minutes yesterday, I could've gone for more but I wanted to stick to my training schedule. 9 minutes might not seem like a lot but the fact that 2 weeks ago I couldn’t even run for more than 2 minutes I consider that as an accomplishment. I’ve also been vegetarian for 2 months now…I don’t miss meat and I don’t think I want to eat it ever again. My decision to become vegetarian was a temporary one for health purposes but I might just stick to it…after all I can take vitamins that will make up for the proteins and nutrients I am missing out on and at the same time I wouldn't play part of the brutal slaughtering of animals at animal farms anymore and who knows maybe i'll inspire people to do the same. I also overcame most of my fears besides one that I am not sure if I'll ever overcome. But for the ones that I overcame: fear of heights - I went skydiving; fear of dogs - kept exposing myself to them; fear of dark water - swam in the ocean at midnight when the moon was hiding and jumped in quaries...I've accomplished a lot of the challenges that I set up for myself but it's becoming a necessity for me to have a constant challenge to concur, or else life wont be interesting anymore. Having goals and achieving them is very addicting; it gives you a high but the feeling ends as soon as it is not a challenge anymore.
The downside of having a mind like mine is that I constantly confuse myself, by doubting and rethinking everything. The more I dig deeper into my own brain for answers the more that I get confused and bewildered. I always believed that one shouldn't get involved in something if it is too complicated but I am starting to change my mind lately and starting to replace it with the mentality: why not give it a shot?
This is my first blog! The idea was proposed to me by a friend last night (who has managed to inspire me many times) ...I laughed at first and thought what do I have to teach people...but then I realized I am not doing this to teach people anything I am doing this to help myself figure out what I want...but if my experiences help someone figure out something then that is just great. In general, through this I hope to gain control over my life that is becoming everyday more and more like a bollywood movie that has a French movie ending!!!
The reason that my life has become like a bollywood movie is because I am a thinker I spend most of my time thinking and analyzing yet what drives me crazy is my inability to analyze myself or the reasons for which I do things. By writing down my thoughts I am hoping that it'll allow me to slow down my thoughts, capture them and view myself though them objectively and finally figure out what I want. Figure out if the reason I am avoiding someone is fear of what having feelings for him might make me do or how it may change me or force me to make compromises. That when I start having real feelings for that person, freak out, and run away as I usually do is there a possibility that I might bump into them again? Well, what if we are from the same circle of friends, what if we go to the same school or what if we work together, how do I get away if he managed capture me? But I shouldn't even want to run away then...but be open to the possibility to having something serious and real for a change!!! I shouldn't be so reluctant to give something a try or someone a chance but my experiences in life drove me to create walls around me that by the time a guy is finally almost through all of them, they lose hope and back off...and I can see it in their eyes they are not over me but they are done with constantly feeling rejected by me and see no hope of otherwise. Repeatedly putting themselves "out there" while they get nothing but mind games and stupid remarks in return. One of my biggest fears is putting myself "out there", admitting that I might have feelings for someone else, and allowing myself to care about someone; I am well aware of that. I have been able to almost change everything about myself but this is one thing that I struggle with everyday with people I care about. My ego and pride doesn't even allow me to tell someone that they are getting close to breaking through these walls that I tend to put up. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to tell them to come back you have made it through. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to approach them and say "hey I like you...wanna give it a shot?" althought I expect that from every guy I would consider going out with. I would always explain my behavior as playing hard to get but I realized that that is just bullshit. When playing hard to get, there is balance, you end up throwing them a bone every once and a while(not that I am calling men dogs)...my policy is strike strike strike and don't leave time to be struck back.
However, every once and a while a guy plays his cards right and manages to get me where he wants me and then the dilemma starts with me becoming more receptive to the idea of caring for someone and letting down my guard bringing with it the feelings of anxiousness, excitement and nervousness - that I absolutely hate and see as a sign of weakness. However, these feelings also always are associated with impatience and so when my expectations are not immediately fulfilled I back away with fear again as my logic creeps right back up telling me it was a stupid idea to begin with...and I become cold again!!! It rarely happens that after they have been repeatedly reject that they gain the confidence to approach again but the persistent ones eventually get something in return that lasts until I freak out again, hide in my shell and run away. What a chaos my life has become!
Well, I wasn’t planning to say much about my life in my first attempt to blog, therefore, I should stop here before I say more than I am ready to let out.
My first attempt to changing is to think less and do more!!!
Well, I wasn’t planning to say much about my life in my first attempt to blog, therefore, I should stop here before I say more than I am ready to let out.
My first attempt to changing is to think less and do more!!!
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