Many things happened through out my life that made me the way that I am today...especially when it comes to how I am with guys. It is said in physics that to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In my case, it works similar to how the brakes of a car work. You apply pressure to the brake pedal; let’s say after the car has been going 80 mph, and the car stops. This relatively small amount of pressure applied to the pedal generated an enormous force that applied pressure to the tires and stopped them from spinning. So in other words, this action taken, of applying pressure to the pedal created a reaction but the reaction was not of equal force or of opposite direction. I guess what I am trying to express through this metaphor, is that I’ve come to realize that as a result of what my father did, I have been taken it out at some times at a bigger extent on the wrong people; I’ve treated some guys like dirt…who I thought were assholes and I had no intentions of seeing ever again...I broke down their egos and humiliated them...I was proud of myself but now I think I was a little harsh...those big egos are covering up insecurities and not assholeness (if I may create this term).
After 24 years of marriage my dad did everything in his power to destroy and humiliate my mom. His kids throughout this 24 years of marriage were only an accessory to his wife. We were a part of my mom or a tool to be used against her. If they got in a fight, he leaves the house for weeks stays at an apartment that we owned and doesn’t talk to either one of us until my mom calls and apologizes for the disagreement that happened, although she didn’t believe it was her fault. She did it every time; she would pick up the phone and call him, beg him to come back…she didn’t do it for her love for him, although it started that way - I also believe her love for him had died a long time before then but having kids and being married delayed her from leaving him – no, she did it for her love for us. She couldn’t handle us wondering what happened to him, where he went, what is he doing and is he ok. She ran out of excuses and lies to cover up for him. And so she would call him each and every time begging him to come back. This is what my mother did for love; although it was for the love she has for her kids…I also know that she got in this mess in the first place for her love for my father. They got married when she was only 21 years old, barely knows what she wants out of life. He was 27 years old knows exactly what he wanted from life. The first few years were great my mom was being manipulated by him and he was controlling her life, yet she was soooo ‘in love’ that she didn’t notice it – he was steering the ship and she was happily onboard. 5 years later as she began to realize what she wanted in life and that his dreams and aspirations for her are not what she wants, everything started to fall apart. But it was too late to leave now…she had a little girl and a little boy who needed their father in their lives and she was pregnant with the 3rd (me).
Being young I saw the sacrifices my mom made on daily basis for him and for us. At the age of 11, I learned that when my father wants to hang out with me, buy me something or give me attention it is only because he just got in a fight with my mother and wants to win me and my siblings over to his side. At age of 11, I started telling my dad you want to play cards…fine I’ll play cards but only if mom plays with us. At age of 12, when he gives me attention I would tell him go make up with my mother then come talk to me. At age of 13, I would barely communicate with my dad anymore. We pass each other like strangers in a bad neighborhood. You keep your head down avoid eye contact and pretend like you never passed by that person. Actually at age 12, I begged my mom to get a divorce; I told her "you can do better, what are you doing with him?…how did you even fall for him in the first place?"…haha it’s kind of sad when you come to think of it. She would always say the same thing “Honey that is your dad, don’t say this, you love him and we are a family…I will not be the one to break a family”.
After 24 years of marriage my dad did everything in his power to destroy and humiliate my mom. His kids throughout this 24 years of marriage were only an accessory to his wife. We were a part of my mom or a tool to be used against her. If they got in a fight, he leaves the house for weeks stays at an apartment that we owned and doesn’t talk to either one of us until my mom calls and apologizes for the disagreement that happened, although she didn’t believe it was her fault. She did it every time; she would pick up the phone and call him, beg him to come back…she didn’t do it for her love for him, although it started that way - I also believe her love for him had died a long time before then but having kids and being married delayed her from leaving him – no, she did it for her love for us. She couldn’t handle us wondering what happened to him, where he went, what is he doing and is he ok. She ran out of excuses and lies to cover up for him. And so she would call him each and every time begging him to come back. This is what my mother did for love; although it was for the love she has for her kids…I also know that she got in this mess in the first place for her love for my father. They got married when she was only 21 years old, barely knows what she wants out of life. He was 27 years old knows exactly what he wanted from life. The first few years were great my mom was being manipulated by him and he was controlling her life, yet she was soooo ‘in love’ that she didn’t notice it – he was steering the ship and she was happily onboard. 5 years later as she began to realize what she wanted in life and that his dreams and aspirations for her are not what she wants, everything started to fall apart. But it was too late to leave now…she had a little girl and a little boy who needed their father in their lives and she was pregnant with the 3rd (me).
Being young I saw the sacrifices my mom made on daily basis for him and for us. At the age of 11, I learned that when my father wants to hang out with me, buy me something or give me attention it is only because he just got in a fight with my mother and wants to win me and my siblings over to his side. At age of 11, I started telling my dad you want to play cards…fine I’ll play cards but only if mom plays with us. At age of 12, when he gives me attention I would tell him go make up with my mother then come talk to me. At age of 13, I would barely communicate with my dad anymore. We pass each other like strangers in a bad neighborhood. You keep your head down avoid eye contact and pretend like you never passed by that person. Actually at age 12, I begged my mom to get a divorce; I told her "you can do better, what are you doing with him?…how did you even fall for him in the first place?"…haha it’s kind of sad when you come to think of it. She would always say the same thing “Honey that is your dad, don’t say this, you love him and we are a family…I will not be the one to break a family”.
I remember one time he came to visit (we were living at a different country because my mom got a great job opportunity in UAE) and my mom paid for all his expenses brought him over to visit every two weeks. One day she was at work and he came to my room and said “I need you to tell your mom that you are miserable here and want to go back home” I laughed and said “are you serious?!!! I have never been happier…if you want her to go back you tell her that, I am not going to lie to her”. He looked at me with this look that I can never get out of my head…this look that I, as a person, am scum…do not deserve to be alive, and he finally said: “I am going to divorce your mother, your sisters and brother will leave with me and you…you will live with your mom knowing that the reason your parents got a divorce, the reason your siblings hate your mother and the reason your mother is suffering and miserable is because of you and your selfishness”. I was 12 years old when he told me that!!! I was 12 f*cking years old!!! How can you say that to a 12 year old? What does a 12 year old understand about life anyway? I looked at him and I said “if you get a divorce my siblings will stay with my mother…because in case you haven’t noticed you haven’t been a big part of our life…and if you get a divorce that might be the best thing for my 2 year old sister because then she wouldn’t have to know what a horrible father you are” I then ran to my room and locked the door for six hours until my mom came back home. I never told her what happened that day when she was at work until recently. That night, I sat at the dinner table watched them talk, eat, joke and laugh. And did not say one word about what he said to me. It was never the same after that…it was the moment that I lost complete respect for him. Before I was angry at him because I wanted to feel like he loves me and I am not just an accessory to my mom that you can use against her as leverage when you feel like it. I was still looking for his approval but after that day I never looked at him the same again. He knew that things between us will never be the same and that we will never recover from this. Over the years he would still continue to manipulate my brother and sister who hated me and my mom for while but eventually came around.
When I turned 15, I started leaving the house when my dad walked in (at that point we were living in two different cities because of my mom’s job – but they were still together). I would go over one of my friends’ houses or my cousins’ or the pool… anywhere but home; I couldn’t stand the sound of his voice, it irritated me. If I don’t leave the house fast enough then it was guaranteed that we will get in an argument that always escalated to him calling me a whore just like my mother. The last time I saw him, I was 16 years old, and at that point we haven’t spoken for over 3 years (besides the arguments of course). I have to mention that many things happened in the months prior to this but I’ve been thinking about including what happened in this posting but I decided I’d rather not get into it…therefore what you need to know is that the worst thing that he’s done was during that period of time…I was used as a part of a messed up plan to destroy my mom and my mom fell for it because I was a good excuse at that time. After this event took place he wasn’t welcomed into our apartment anymore but would still show up to piss my mom off who would let him in to avoid a scene and humiliating him in front of us. So the last time that I saw him, he was sitting in our living room pretending to be the king of the house…joking with my older sister and brother…brought some gifts for my younger sister…I walked in and it looked like a happy family but missing me and my mother and based around the devil!!! It was irritating to me so I sit in my room and then I hear him saying bad things about my mom, her parents, her brothers and her entire family who have only been extremely nice to him their whole entire lives. So I marched right out of my room asked him to leave our house and never come back and I told him that I am embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that I am even related to him and that I would rather be anything besides his daughter. His response was that he stopped considering me his daughter a long time ago and I said to him “I consider that an honor, I finally don’t have to consider killing myself so I wouldn’t be associated with you” and I asked him sarcastically “can we make it official?”. I have never seen him that angry before. At that point there was no one besides me and him in the living room as my little sister was taken outside by the nanny, my brother and sister each went to their rooms to avoid escalation of the situation. He threw the remote control on the floor and it made a big bang. My brother came rushing out of his room, holding a leather belt with a big metal buckle and a wooden hanger. My brother thought that my dad had hit me and he left his room enraged about to beat him unconscious. At that point my father ran and hid behind my mother, my brother said “one of those days when you are walking on your own in the dark [actually he even said a night with no moonlight] be careful and look behind you because it is coming and you’ll get what you deserve”. My father started crying! A grown man crying…it is not a beautiful thing to see but I had no pity.
What was shocking about this wasn’t that I saw him crying but that the person who was wiping his tears off was my mother. Compared to the harm he has done to my mother, I’ve suffered nothing! Yet she is the one standing there wiping his tears off of his face and telling my brother to go back to his room. I stood there speechless; I couldn’t comprehend it. Her ability to forget about what he did to her and to feel sorry for him showed me what a great person she is and how much love she has for people in her heart. I actually got to a point where I pictured myself stabbing him repeatedly until he died and stopped making those irritating snorts that he makes constantly. I started thinking that I am a horrible person for thinking that way, when my mother is sitting there wiping off his tears. But then I realize, whoever you are, you can mess with me, you can hurt me; physically, psychologically and emotionally, I will have no desire in harming you or seeking revenge…I will just be done with you and if at some point you need my help I will help you out but I will never be close to you again. But I also learned that if you mess with my mom, my siblings, my friends…I will destroy you. I am not a violent person, growing up and learning more about myself I know that I cannot kill another human being, I cannot even just hurt them physically but what I am capable of doing if you hurt one of my loved ones I can destroy you psychologically and that is worse than physical injury because it takes longer to heal if you can ever truly recover.
I’ve come a long way since the last time I spoke to my dad. I went through a series of changes starting August of 2008. I decided to forgive him; I learned that I will never move on unless I forgive him for what he has done to our family. After I forgave him I realized that he did love us, he just never knew how to love someone…his definition of love was to control that person because that is how he protects the ones he loves from what he thinks is bad for them. I decided to forgive him not because I am a great forgiving person but for my own selfish reasons…I needed to move on with my life. I forgave him and if he needs my help, I will help him because I have pity to other human beings even animals have pity towards each other. However, he will never re-enter my life even if I decide to have kids they will never know he exists or get to meet him for their lives will be much better without knowing him. His two kids I will never meet – those are not my half brothers since the only connection I have with them doesn’t mean anything to me now, therefore, I have no obligation towards them. If I see him one day walking down the street I will smile politely as I would a stranger and walk away, I will not look back and I will not feel bad. I wish him the best of luck in his life. And I hope he learned from his mistakes and doesn't treat his kids or wife the way he treated us...because this is his second chance and no one really knows how many chances we get.
When I turned 15, I started leaving the house when my dad walked in (at that point we were living in two different cities because of my mom’s job – but they were still together). I would go over one of my friends’ houses or my cousins’ or the pool… anywhere but home; I couldn’t stand the sound of his voice, it irritated me. If I don’t leave the house fast enough then it was guaranteed that we will get in an argument that always escalated to him calling me a whore just like my mother. The last time I saw him, I was 16 years old, and at that point we haven’t spoken for over 3 years (besides the arguments of course). I have to mention that many things happened in the months prior to this but I’ve been thinking about including what happened in this posting but I decided I’d rather not get into it…therefore what you need to know is that the worst thing that he’s done was during that period of time…I was used as a part of a messed up plan to destroy my mom and my mom fell for it because I was a good excuse at that time. After this event took place he wasn’t welcomed into our apartment anymore but would still show up to piss my mom off who would let him in to avoid a scene and humiliating him in front of us. So the last time that I saw him, he was sitting in our living room pretending to be the king of the house…joking with my older sister and brother…brought some gifts for my younger sister…I walked in and it looked like a happy family but missing me and my mother and based around the devil!!! It was irritating to me so I sit in my room and then I hear him saying bad things about my mom, her parents, her brothers and her entire family who have only been extremely nice to him their whole entire lives. So I marched right out of my room asked him to leave our house and never come back and I told him that I am embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that I am even related to him and that I would rather be anything besides his daughter. His response was that he stopped considering me his daughter a long time ago and I said to him “I consider that an honor, I finally don’t have to consider killing myself so I wouldn’t be associated with you” and I asked him sarcastically “can we make it official?”. I have never seen him that angry before. At that point there was no one besides me and him in the living room as my little sister was taken outside by the nanny, my brother and sister each went to their rooms to avoid escalation of the situation. He threw the remote control on the floor and it made a big bang. My brother came rushing out of his room, holding a leather belt with a big metal buckle and a wooden hanger. My brother thought that my dad had hit me and he left his room enraged about to beat him unconscious. At that point my father ran and hid behind my mother, my brother said “one of those days when you are walking on your own in the dark [actually he even said a night with no moonlight] be careful and look behind you because it is coming and you’ll get what you deserve”. My father started crying! A grown man crying…it is not a beautiful thing to see but I had no pity.
What was shocking about this wasn’t that I saw him crying but that the person who was wiping his tears off was my mother. Compared to the harm he has done to my mother, I’ve suffered nothing! Yet she is the one standing there wiping his tears off of his face and telling my brother to go back to his room. I stood there speechless; I couldn’t comprehend it. Her ability to forget about what he did to her and to feel sorry for him showed me what a great person she is and how much love she has for people in her heart. I actually got to a point where I pictured myself stabbing him repeatedly until he died and stopped making those irritating snorts that he makes constantly. I started thinking that I am a horrible person for thinking that way, when my mother is sitting there wiping off his tears. But then I realize, whoever you are, you can mess with me, you can hurt me; physically, psychologically and emotionally, I will have no desire in harming you or seeking revenge…I will just be done with you and if at some point you need my help I will help you out but I will never be close to you again. But I also learned that if you mess with my mom, my siblings, my friends…I will destroy you. I am not a violent person, growing up and learning more about myself I know that I cannot kill another human being, I cannot even just hurt them physically but what I am capable of doing if you hurt one of my loved ones I can destroy you psychologically and that is worse than physical injury because it takes longer to heal if you can ever truly recover.
I’ve come a long way since the last time I spoke to my dad. I went through a series of changes starting August of 2008. I decided to forgive him; I learned that I will never move on unless I forgive him for what he has done to our family. After I forgave him I realized that he did love us, he just never knew how to love someone…his definition of love was to control that person because that is how he protects the ones he loves from what he thinks is bad for them. I decided to forgive him not because I am a great forgiving person but for my own selfish reasons…I needed to move on with my life. I forgave him and if he needs my help, I will help him because I have pity to other human beings even animals have pity towards each other. However, he will never re-enter my life even if I decide to have kids they will never know he exists or get to meet him for their lives will be much better without knowing him. His two kids I will never meet – those are not my half brothers since the only connection I have with them doesn’t mean anything to me now, therefore, I have no obligation towards them. If I see him one day walking down the street I will smile politely as I would a stranger and walk away, I will not look back and I will not feel bad. I wish him the best of luck in his life. And I hope he learned from his mistakes and doesn't treat his kids or wife the way he treated us...because this is his second chance and no one really knows how many chances we get.
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