What Lies Beneath?

One of my guy friends, who doesn’t know me that well, said that Circe would be a perfect nickname for me. When I asked him why, he said that she is a powerful goddess who lures men and then turns them into pigs and kills them. That definition is not quite accurate but the fact that this is what he thought she represented and still thought it was a perfect nickname for me, made feel awful. About a couple of days later, two of my closest friends mentioned that I flirt a lot with guys and that I lead men on when I want nothing besides friendship from them. They gave a couple of examples one I didn’t expect and the other I was well aware of. Hearing about the first made me feel confused and very cautious of how I act around men. As for the second, I didn’t really care that I might be leading him on when I wanted nothing because at that point I didn’t trust him; I thought he was selfish, manipulative and only wanted sex. Anyways, things took an interesting shift shortly after they got started and now I know that he is not a bad person. It’s funny how people change after going through one thing! I honestly never thought we'll ever become friends because I knew him a while ago which stood in the way of me being open to who he is now. What is interesting is that although I know he changed I still am careful around even though he has been nothing but a great friend to me and he has always been there for me and I should be able to fully trust him...but I think he reminds me of myself at times which keeps me cautious (this statement in itself is sad - the fact that him reminding me of myself scares me).
However, some of my friends tend to be very protective and possessive of him which probably what made them talk to me about flirting in the first place, which is one for the most frustrating factors in my group of friend; I feel like I am under attack every time that he is mentioned because he needs their protection. And the amount of attention that they give him makes me not want to give him any. I find it disturbing that their daily plans revolve around what he might want to do later on…it drives me crazy! What about their own lives? It is like they are his fan club and don’t get me wrong I respect what he does and I fully support him and I think he knows that but, oh my god, it doesn't mean I need to be carrying pom-poms day and night putting my life on pause to constantly cheer him on even when he is doing daily activities! I respect him more than to do that ... unfortunately what our friends don't realize is that he is a grown man and can take care of himself and he is capable of asking for help when he needs it. Anyways, this is besides the point, but tends to be a little frustrating.Going back to the original topic, I can’t help but feel a little frustrated when I am the one taking all the blame for most of my encounters with guys, where in reality we are all equally guilty. But why do I even call it being guilty? Why should there even be any blame or guilt involved? And so what if we flirt and have a little fun? I am starting to think some people need to take the sticks out of their asses and enjoy life a little!! But in all seriousness I care about my friends feeling comfortable around me and I would never want to be responsible for ruining a great group of friends and building walls in the midst of the group. I had a conversation with one of my friends (who I thought was constantly judging me) and I learned that they are my friends and they want me to be happy as long as I "own up to it" and quit the mind games because someone will end up getting hurt...they want me to quit rejecting guys and have a serious & stable relationship (which it hurts me to admit but I think I actually might want that too) but will I ever be able to do that? My problem with most of my relationships is that I go for guys that I constantly play mind games with that when the mind games are gone the excitement goes with it, when the challenge is concurred there is nothing left.
Shortly after, I got analyzed by a group of guys and this is what they said I have a need to constantly win, everything thing is only interesting to me as long as it is a challenge and the second that I win it is not interesting to me anymore. They said that I have a need to be in control all the time. That I have power over men, aware of it and enjoy having it. This got me thinking, thinking and thinking some more. I've never felt more like an open book; my actions were so obvious and being read out loud but my reasons...my reasons were not understood...the words in that book that describe my reasons were twisted and misread. I admit that I might act in a certain way but it is not because I am a bad person but I think it is because I am confused and I want to protect myself.
Later on another two close people to me said that I am a tease and I do it to crush men and their big egos and that I might want to look within and see why I do it. They didn’t think that I am horrible for doing it, they said it all seems like fun but they believe that there is an actual reason why I don’t let anyone close. And so I started thinking, do I have a problem? I dug deep into my own past and got some answers.
Ever since then I talked to many people who know me and they all think that its all for fun and that I have nothing to worry about but in the back of my mind I now realize that there is more to it than just teasing and having fun. These comments from those people put me through a lot of sleepless nights not because of what they said about me but because of what they made me realize which is that my past, my father, affected my life more than I realized and that that chapter of my past is still shaping my future. One point needs to be made before I finish talking about flirting...I am not changing; what matters are not peoples' expectations or wants from me but my own expectations and wants for myself. If I like you as a friend and you misread my signals then I apologize but I will not avoid you, run and hide until you realize it on your own. I do not hurt people...we have fun...nothing wrong with a little flirting I just need to be more careful with sensitive guys and I need to allow the ones I like to get closer and strip myself from the masks that I hide behind. Ha I can see it happening; one of these days some guy is going to outsmart me, call me out on my shit and be so blunt and straight forward that I wouldn’t know what to do and I think then for the first time I'll be taking a chance rather than just settling for something.