I have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Different thoughts have been crossing my mind. I don’t know what to make of them or how to read them. I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused before in my life. I’ve been trying to figure out the difference between my self-perception and how others perceive me, what I mean by my actions and what is understood from them. I've been going over the goals that I set for myself years ago and now I am trying, after 4 years in college, to figure out if I still want the same. I've been trying to understand myself and read my feelings (it sounds funny that a person wouldn’t know how they feel about something or someone but the truth is that I don’t allow much space for feelings when it is faced with logic…but if we as people even create our own reality, doesn’t that mean we also create our own logic? Meaning that we find logic in what we want and miss it in what we don’t). Like I said I have been struggling with a lot lately and this, what I’ve just mentioned, doesn’t even begin to explain what goes on in my head. I know that I have a really strong manipulative mind that plays games on me...I can convince myself anything and make it happen…this can be good at times but it is also bad at other times.
The upside of it is that I managed to get myself to go on a strict diet that became a lifestyle and resulted in me losing 50 pounds in a healthy way. It’s difficult to admit this but I used to be a size 13, almost 14, in September/October of last year…by January I would fit in a size 6, and two days ago I fit in a size 3!! I managed, after 3 years of smoking, to quite cold turkey - I cheat from time to time but I am not back to smoking nor will I ever be - my goal was to reach a point where I can smoke for fun sometimes but I don't feel the need to smoke. I managed to go on a juice fast for 3 days where I have to admit I got a little hungry the first two days…but then a week later I decided to do it again and I convinced myself that I was full and for 3 days not once did I feel hungry or thought about food. I also just started running and I see myself improving everyday. I ran for 9.5 minutes yesterday, I could've gone for more but I wanted to stick to my training schedule. 9 minutes might not seem like a lot but the fact that 2 weeks ago I couldn’t even run for more than 2 minutes I consider that as an accomplishment. I’ve also been vegetarian for 2 months now…I don’t miss meat and I don’t think I want to eat it ever again. My decision to become vegetarian was a temporary one for health purposes but I might just stick to it…after all I can take vitamins that will make up for the proteins and nutrients I am missing out on and at the same time I wouldn't play part of the brutal slaughtering of animals at animal farms anymore and who knows maybe i'll inspire people to do the same. I also overcame most of my fears besides one that I am not sure if I'll ever overcome. But for the ones that I overcame: fear of heights - I went skydiving; fear of dogs - kept exposing myself to them; fear of dark water - swam in the ocean at midnight when the moon was hiding and jumped in quaries...I've accomplished a lot of the challenges that I set up for myself but it's becoming a necessity for me to have a constant challenge to concur, or else life wont be interesting anymore. Having goals and achieving them is very addicting; it gives you a high but the feeling ends as soon as it is not a challenge anymore.
The downside of having a mind like mine is that I constantly confuse myself, by doubting and rethinking everything. The more I dig deeper into my own brain for answers the more that I get confused and bewildered. I always believed that one shouldn't get involved in something if it is too complicated but I am starting to change my mind lately and starting to replace it with the mentality: why not give it a shot?
This is my first blog! The idea was proposed to me by a friend last night (who has managed to inspire me many times) ...I laughed at first and thought what do I have to teach people...but then I realized I am not doing this to teach people anything I am doing this to help myself figure out what I want...but if my experiences help someone figure out something then that is just great. In general, through this I hope to gain control over my life that is becoming everyday more and more like a bollywood movie that has a French movie ending!!!
The reason that my life has become like a bollywood movie is because I am a thinker I spend most of my time thinking and analyzing yet what drives me crazy is my inability to analyze myself or the reasons for which I do things. By writing down my thoughts I am hoping that it'll allow me to slow down my thoughts, capture them and view myself though them objectively and finally figure out what I want. Figure out if the reason I am avoiding someone is fear of what having feelings for him might make me do or how it may change me or force me to make compromises. That when I start having real feelings for that person, freak out, and run away as I usually do is there a possibility that I might bump into them again? Well, what if we are from the same circle of friends, what if we go to the same school or what if we work together, how do I get away if he managed capture me? But I shouldn't even want to run away then...but be open to the possibility to having something serious and real for a change!!! I shouldn't be so reluctant to give something a try or someone a chance but my experiences in life drove me to create walls around me that by the time a guy is finally almost through all of them, they lose hope and back off...and I can see it in their eyes they are not over me but they are done with constantly feeling rejected by me and see no hope of otherwise. Repeatedly putting themselves "out there" while they get nothing but mind games and stupid remarks in return. One of my biggest fears is putting myself "out there", admitting that I might have feelings for someone else, and allowing myself to care about someone; I am well aware of that. I have been able to almost change everything about myself but this is one thing that I struggle with everyday with people I care about. My ego and pride doesn't even allow me to tell someone that they are getting close to breaking through these walls that I tend to put up. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to tell them to come back you have made it through. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to approach them and say "hey I like you...wanna give it a shot?" althought I expect that from every guy I would consider going out with. I would always explain my behavior as playing hard to get but I realized that that is just bullshit. When playing hard to get, there is balance, you end up throwing them a bone every once and a while(not that I am calling men dogs)...my policy is strike strike strike and don't leave time to be struck back.
The upside of it is that I managed to get myself to go on a strict diet that became a lifestyle and resulted in me losing 50 pounds in a healthy way. It’s difficult to admit this but I used to be a size 13, almost 14, in September/October of last year…by January I would fit in a size 6, and two days ago I fit in a size 3!! I managed, after 3 years of smoking, to quite cold turkey - I cheat from time to time but I am not back to smoking nor will I ever be - my goal was to reach a point where I can smoke for fun sometimes but I don't feel the need to smoke. I managed to go on a juice fast for 3 days where I have to admit I got a little hungry the first two days…but then a week later I decided to do it again and I convinced myself that I was full and for 3 days not once did I feel hungry or thought about food. I also just started running and I see myself improving everyday. I ran for 9.5 minutes yesterday, I could've gone for more but I wanted to stick to my training schedule. 9 minutes might not seem like a lot but the fact that 2 weeks ago I couldn’t even run for more than 2 minutes I consider that as an accomplishment. I’ve also been vegetarian for 2 months now…I don’t miss meat and I don’t think I want to eat it ever again. My decision to become vegetarian was a temporary one for health purposes but I might just stick to it…after all I can take vitamins that will make up for the proteins and nutrients I am missing out on and at the same time I wouldn't play part of the brutal slaughtering of animals at animal farms anymore and who knows maybe i'll inspire people to do the same. I also overcame most of my fears besides one that I am not sure if I'll ever overcome. But for the ones that I overcame: fear of heights - I went skydiving; fear of dogs - kept exposing myself to them; fear of dark water - swam in the ocean at midnight when the moon was hiding and jumped in quaries...I've accomplished a lot of the challenges that I set up for myself but it's becoming a necessity for me to have a constant challenge to concur, or else life wont be interesting anymore. Having goals and achieving them is very addicting; it gives you a high but the feeling ends as soon as it is not a challenge anymore.
The downside of having a mind like mine is that I constantly confuse myself, by doubting and rethinking everything. The more I dig deeper into my own brain for answers the more that I get confused and bewildered. I always believed that one shouldn't get involved in something if it is too complicated but I am starting to change my mind lately and starting to replace it with the mentality: why not give it a shot?
This is my first blog! The idea was proposed to me by a friend last night (who has managed to inspire me many times) ...I laughed at first and thought what do I have to teach people...but then I realized I am not doing this to teach people anything I am doing this to help myself figure out what I want...but if my experiences help someone figure out something then that is just great. In general, through this I hope to gain control over my life that is becoming everyday more and more like a bollywood movie that has a French movie ending!!!
The reason that my life has become like a bollywood movie is because I am a thinker I spend most of my time thinking and analyzing yet what drives me crazy is my inability to analyze myself or the reasons for which I do things. By writing down my thoughts I am hoping that it'll allow me to slow down my thoughts, capture them and view myself though them objectively and finally figure out what I want. Figure out if the reason I am avoiding someone is fear of what having feelings for him might make me do or how it may change me or force me to make compromises. That when I start having real feelings for that person, freak out, and run away as I usually do is there a possibility that I might bump into them again? Well, what if we are from the same circle of friends, what if we go to the same school or what if we work together, how do I get away if he managed capture me? But I shouldn't even want to run away then...but be open to the possibility to having something serious and real for a change!!! I shouldn't be so reluctant to give something a try or someone a chance but my experiences in life drove me to create walls around me that by the time a guy is finally almost through all of them, they lose hope and back off...and I can see it in their eyes they are not over me but they are done with constantly feeling rejected by me and see no hope of otherwise. Repeatedly putting themselves "out there" while they get nothing but mind games and stupid remarks in return. One of my biggest fears is putting myself "out there", admitting that I might have feelings for someone else, and allowing myself to care about someone; I am well aware of that. I have been able to almost change everything about myself but this is one thing that I struggle with everyday with people I care about. My ego and pride doesn't even allow me to tell someone that they are getting close to breaking through these walls that I tend to put up. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to tell them to come back you have made it through. My ego and pride doesn't allow me to approach them and say "hey I like you...wanna give it a shot?" althought I expect that from every guy I would consider going out with. I would always explain my behavior as playing hard to get but I realized that that is just bullshit. When playing hard to get, there is balance, you end up throwing them a bone every once and a while(not that I am calling men dogs)...my policy is strike strike strike and don't leave time to be struck back.
However, every once and a while a guy plays his cards right and manages to get me where he wants me and then the dilemma starts with me becoming more receptive to the idea of caring for someone and letting down my guard bringing with it the feelings of anxiousness, excitement and nervousness - that I absolutely hate and see as a sign of weakness. However, these feelings also always are associated with impatience and so when my expectations are not immediately fulfilled I back away with fear again as my logic creeps right back up telling me it was a stupid idea to begin with...and I become cold again!!! It rarely happens that after they have been repeatedly reject that they gain the confidence to approach again but the persistent ones eventually get something in return that lasts until I freak out again, hide in my shell and run away. What a chaos my life has become!
Well, I wasn’t planning to say much about my life in my first attempt to blog, therefore, I should stop here before I say more than I am ready to let out.
My first attempt to changing is to think less and do more!!!
Well, I wasn’t planning to say much about my life in my first attempt to blog, therefore, I should stop here before I say more than I am ready to let out.
My first attempt to changing is to think less and do more!!!
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