UPDATE

So it has been a while since the last time I wrote down my thoughts but many things have happened in the past 13 days that have been mind consuming.
After twisting my ankle and not being able to run for 10 days, I finally was able for the first time in my life to run for more than 30 minutes (3 miles) straight...it felt great!! This running schedule that I've been following was fantastic and now I am looking for running schedules to reach 6 miles. I am hoping reaching 6 miles will only take another 5 to 6 weeks but hopefully not more if I still want to reach 8 miles by December 31st. The 5K race that I was originally going to participate in and was the original set date to reach 3 miles is in the end of August but I still don't know if I'll be able to participate since there is a big possibility that I will be away for that weekend. There is also a 10K race in the beginning of November that will be the set date to reaching more than 6 miles running. While following the running schedule it was easier not to have a running partner because of the structure of the schedule in which one runs for a set time and then walk but now that I am running for 30 minutes straight I am finding myself searching for running partners that will do the same. It makes the run more interesting and more challenging and forces me to push beyond the set goal. But another challenge is being my own motivator and this running schedule has helped be become one.
Anyways running is not the only thing that I feel like I've made advances in. The other day one of friends left the music playing as we were leaving her house; she is a big animal lover. Now in high school if we had voting for nicknames I would've definitely gotten "Most Opinionated". I had set opinions and held on to them and basically wasn't very open to other views, especially when it came to intangible, spiritual or not very scientific ideas. However, as we were leaving her house I asked her if she was leaving the music on for her animals. I didn't even notice that there might've been something weird with what I said until she pointed it out but still even if she said yes my reaction would've been the same. I think having her as a friend although might not have changed a lot of my believes or opinions about things it certainly have helped me open up to different views and be respectful of them regardless of how much I might disagree with them.
I think I've become more open with people; I kind of stopped trying to be mysterious except with the ones that ask for it. I met someone the other night and we had a wonderful conversation, he reminded me of someone and that usually would've been the end of it but not this time. I really would like to get to know him better and work on these projects with him next semester.
In the past 13 days I've also been betrayed by a best friend and I think that is the reason why I avoided writing anything in the past 13 days because I promised him that I will forget about what happened and turn a new leaf with him and writing about it when the wound was still open would've kept it engraved in my memory and I would've never been able to move past it. Quite honestly I don't know why I decided to forgive him. I mean I do believe that he didn't intentionally do it just to hurt but that he did it because he was thinking about himself at that moment and nobody else. But I think the main reason why I forgave him is not that I think he didn't mean it but knowing that he doesn't have the power to hurt me. I don't know if this makes sense... but a friend's betrayal/loss has as much weight as a person gives it. Ironically, right after this happened I decided to hang out with another friend who also betrayed me a while back but truly hurt me and affected the way that I dealt with people from then on that I stopped letting anyone close because I didn't trust people anymore. However, it feels shitty when you feel betrayed but it feels good when you rid yourself of anger.
I’ve been looking for apartments with my future roommates. We haven’t found anything yet but I am getting a little excited and nervous at the same time. Moving in with best friend will either take your friendship to yet another level or break it but I think the most important thing to focus on is being honest with each other and tackle problems in a mature way. I am not that worried about this part but what worries me is that I could see our apartment having 3 permanent guests there all the time and that scares me…not to mention that one of those guests might me my own brother. Don’t get me wrong I love my brother, I love hanging out with him but there are also certain limitations that accompany having him around and I would like to get to miss him sometimes. However, he has become very good friends with two of my future roommates and the third one has a crush on him…so this situation seems to be unavoidable…oh well I guess it could be worse!

I just got back from the emergency room. It is about 5 am now and I can't sleep. My mom is still there but she wouldn't let me stay with her, she thought if she sends me home I'll get to sleep. I have been telling her to go to the doctor for the past 3 days but she keeps telling me it's nothing and tonight she just passed out three times from the pain. I don't think I've ever been that worried before in my life. I remember 3 years ago when my grandpa was in the hospital and needed a kidney my mom wanted to give him one of hers but we all told her not to because he was really old, his heart was barely working and his body couldnt handle the surgery but I remember thinking would I be able to do that and give my mom a kidney? and tonight I found out I would give her my heart if she needed it. when the situation got serious I realized there is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure she is ok. I am a little worried though, my grandpa had to go through dialysis every 2 days and it made him exhausted and restricted his movement which made him give up on life. I know a lot of people go through life on dialysis but I don't want her to have to deal with that. It is just painful, restrictive and uncomfortable. I was going to go out tonight and at last minute plans changed I would've probably just got back home now and I keep thinking if I went out tonight what would've happened when she fainted? She had the same problem 30 years ago and they told her if she waited 2 hours it would've ruined her liver and caused her to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks and they told her the same thing tonight and I keep thinking what would've happened if I went out tonight or if I didn't see my friend online and talked to him for an hour before deciding to finally go to bed? knowing my mom, if I was sleeping she would've decided to wait till the morning. I forced her to go to the hospital tonight but I should've forced her to go to the doctors three days ago! I am still waiting to hear back from her. she is supposed to call me once all the testings are done, she has to wait for four hours for the results and she is sleeping now. I just want to go for a run now and get my mind off of this but my body is so exhausted I don't think I can move.

A Small Reminder

I was just reminded of a conversation I once had with a previous interest of mine. There was a level of boldness and openness in the conversation that made it quite interesting yet on the other hand the cards weren't completely on the table which kept it quite challenging. I was just thinking how things would've been different if that person waited a little longer to have that conversation with me. He knew what he wanted then and went after it which scared me and made me back off because at that point I didn't know what I wanted. I still don't know what I want but I know for a fact that if we had the same conversation a month ago instead of when we had it the outcome would've been completely different. So in some ways I am thankful it happened when it did and in other ways I am not. But this small reminder reminded me of how much I love the game and the anticipation that accompanies it and how I never want to give that up. I just have to be careful who to challenge to the game. I just realized that I’ve been going about it in the wrong way; I’ve been feeling bad about how I’ve acting earlier that I completely stopped but this one reminder made me realize that it was harmless fun for both of the people involved in it. And I wasn’t leading them on, they captured my attention and when it came down to it, I was afraid to move on to the next level, I was afraid to be committed to something and lose the security of knowing I can back out of it anytime I please with no harm done. So I guess this leaves me with this: I am going to play my games but I am also going to eventually show my cards when the time is right.

Gain Some...Lose Some

I've been debating whether I should write something tonight or not...and I decided since I am thinking it might as well write it, maybe it'll mean something to me in the future when I look back and read all that I've written so far.

My family for the first time are very supportive of me being a vegetarian, which feels great but on the other hand one of my closest friends who I expected to be really supportive is not. My family who last time I tried to become a vegetarian were actually cooking meat everyday so I wouldn't be able to stay vegetarian this time they have changed their eating habits so I would feel more comfortable around the dinner table. Whereas, this friend of mine who we became vegetarian at the same time is going back to eating meat and thought I should too. Even though it started off as being a challenge to me and I wanted to see if I can do it, everything changed now...I just don't think that we should be killing animals to eat them. I mean why is it unacceptable to kill a cat or a dog and eat them but it's okay to kill a cow or a chicken? It just doesn't make sense to me anymore, if cats and dogs have feelings so do other animals. She didn't like that my plans have changed and that it is not temporary anymore...but why does it matter if I decide to eat meat or not? why it bothered her I just don't understand. I am not the type that would force my ideas on people...my family and friends didn't even know I was a vegetarian until I was 2 to 3 weeks into it. Most people still don't know I am and most people that do know either asked me if I was or shared a meal with me. So it just doesn't make sense to me why she would be upset about it but oh well I guess I can't always know what is going on in other people's heads but what I do know is that if it is a big deal it'll eventually come up again and I'll know what is going on and if it is not then I guess it is not worth my time being wasted thinking about it.

I am having trouble sleeping lately, I don't know why but I just can't sleep at night anymore regardless of what time I woke up that day...I think there is more on my mind than what I can process and it keeps me up thinking about many things but not one thought can be captured.

Everybody is excited about the weather; the sun is out, it is warm and people finally can go to the beach...but I am wishing it would rain so I could stand outside feel the raindrops and think of nothing...it is weird but the only thing that always manages to clear my mind and free me from my worries always has been rain and just rain. Most people get in a bad mood when it is raining I, on the other hand, get in the most amazing worry free mindset and nothing seems like a big deal anymore.

I've been thinking about this for a while: If I were to die next week, would I want to know? I still don't know the answer to that but I guess the upside about knowing is that it would make me take advantage of every moment. As they say live everyday as if it were your last because one of those days it will be. It allows a person to finally remove all these masks and reveal themselves to the people they care about the most...the fear of looking like a fool would fade away...but why does one need to know that they are dying for them to allow themselves to be completely honest and show their emotions? The human mind works in a funny way.

Late Night Random Thoughts

I sort of had a weird weekend; I don't even know how to define it. It was a busy weekend yet kind of slow. Friday night my friends came over and we went out later on that night. I did something that I haven't done before, which is dancing without drinking or without being buzzed also I did another thing which is dancing in a restaurant/lounge with no designated dancing area knowing that most people are looking and judging us with their small minded mentality but I have to admit it was fun and out of ordinary for me. We stayed up that night and went to the Charles River to reserve a spot for the 4th of July fireworks. We stayed there the whole day; I passed out in the tent for a couple of hours and then spent the rest of the day with my friends, their families and mine. I spent most of my time that day playing with a 5 year old kid; he was cute...Who would've thought I would spend time with a kid that I am not forced to spend time with! Earlier on Friday I flipped out on one of my closest friends. She is someone that means a lot to me and I don't think that I handled my frustration with her very well. She said one comment and all came back to me; how I always felt guilty around them, because I always felt like I am being blamed for whatever is going on. But I managed to calm down eventually and apologize and also explain why I reacted the way that I did. I discovered that nothing upsets me as much as someone undermining my judgment or how I read people's actions. I guess spending a lot of time analyzing people and being proud of the fact that I tend to read people correctly 99% of the time, it gets a little frustrating when someone dismisses my opinion and gives it no value. However, it is her opinion and I shouldn't have gotten that upset about it...I think what made it worse is the fact that at times she sounds like a know it all and analyzing people and reading signs is the one area that I wouldn't trust anybody's judgment over mine. And I think this is true for most people, the vibes that we get from people, only we can read them most times and that is because first they are directed at us and not someone else – meaning that other people will get different vibes from the same person. And secondly because other people have better things to do than track down the vibes directed at another individual besides themselves and since these vibes tend to reflect the person’s feelings towards us we tend to care about them (warning: a person could be just having a bad day and reflect something that they don't truly feel therefore one should always keep an open mind the next time they meet that person and if turns out that they don't like them then oh well...they don't have to become best friends). A nice person can be nice to many people yet cold to one person; it doesn't mean they are bad people, it just means that they might not like that person or don’t feel comfortable around them and therefore they can't treat them like they treat everybody else. There is nothing wrong with that, at least in my opinion. I am against people pretending to like someone when they don't...this fakeness that people project all the time is what makes friendships in this country so shallow and meaningless. However, I have to say, I have some of the most amazing people out there who I am lucky enough to call my friends, but as someone who struggled to find good friends when she first came here I have to say the biggest problem was with how people tend to be fake most of the time.

I was thinking today about how falling in love is only a matter of meeting a suitable person at the right time and under the right circumstances. Meaning that there isn't one person out there for each one of us but that there are multiple people out there for each and every one of us we just have to meet them under the right circumstances. So basically what I think I am trying to say is that one lost opportunity is probably another one gained. If it doesn't work out with a person that you liked it's okay because there are a lot of fish in the sea and although you can only catch one at a time you - actually that is not quite true, you can catch many at a time depending on how good of a fisher(wo)man you are - but have to let go of one (or chew and spit out one) in order to be able to fully experience the next one.

I am starting to think that me analyzing people (or saying my observation out loud) is starting to make some of my friends feel uncomfortable and I can see myself starting to apologize for making these observations. But just because I make observations it doesn't mean that I don't like the person...it doesn't mean anything...it just means that I saw something that I thought was worth mentioning. Why is it acceptable to say what we thought of a person as long as the things were positive observations but when they are negative (or undesirable traits according to society) we are supposed to pretend like we never thought them? I mean just because we see something it doesn't mean that judgment is attached to it! I could think someone talks too much but that is only according to me and I understand that and I know that out there someone is going to love that about them...it is just an observation it doesn't mean I don't like them and it doesn't mean I want them to change! And I just wish people, at times, would understand that. But I think the fact that most people tend to comment about others only when there is negative judgment attached to it, it makes us automatically frown when someone says something about someone else (or give the other more common reaction, which is immediately start stating all the gossip that we know about that person). Anyways, I know that I don't have negative feelings when I make observations about people and therefore I will no longer apologize for making these observations and saying them out loud...I mean most of the time, and if I know the person well enough, I tell it to their faces and see if what I saw is what they were thinking...but if I don't know the person very well then there is no reason for them to be completely honest and open with me and there is no reason for me to spend time attempting to understand them better. Maybe next time I’ll engage in a conversation with them and get to know them better and eventually tell them what I thought of them and first and what I think of them now. I see think most people would think that I sound a little self-centered right now; but the truth is that regardless of what we think our lives revolve around us. Everything we see and we think we know is seen and learned through us and with our own perspective added to it. So after all maybe what we need to do is just drop all the masks and show our true selves…and then no observations will need to be stated and no secret intentions will have to be hidden?

A close friend of mine thinks that I should keep trying with people regardless of what I think of them...but that is the difference between us; I don't think that I need to be friends with everybody but I would like to be close friends with everybody that impresses, inspires, interests or strikes me as a good person. And I think it is better to spend time building good, solid and long lasting friendships with a few good people than to spend time making friends with everybody and not enough time with the people that you truly care about. I used to be on the other side of the spectrum; I used to want to be liked by all, so I would make friends with everybody but one day, before I walked away from everybody that I knew (besides my family), I started thinking, if I died tomorrow who would show up to my funeral and feel like they have truly lost a dear friend? Who would get up and say a few words about me and through those words be able to fully capture the person that I was? What if I got in trouble tomorrow, which one of those people can I call for help? And I realized I wouldn't call any of them and they might show up to my funeral and feel sad that they lost a friend or a person they knew but it wouldn't have been a huge deal and me knowing that told me that I had to either build stronger friendships with them or find new people that I can do that with and I decided to find new people for multiple reasons including the fact that it is hard to break a habit and change the way that things are in certain situations, also at times you learn that the situation in the first place is not what you want and so you walk away.

Anyways I’ve been rambling on for long enough where I should’ve actually been sleeping, people are actually waking up and going to work now and I am just about to go to bed…this is not what I would call a habit but it’s definitely something that I want to do less of; I need to start going to bed at a normal time and get more than 4 hours of sleep every night!!!

All Around Me are Familiar Faces...Worn out Places...Worn out Faces

We all see the world through our own eyes, regardless of how objective we think we are being while observing, we still see the world through our own perspective. I just watched the movie Revolutionary Road with three other people and noticed how each one of us only paid attention to the part that related to their lives or issues. One who got a divorce recently commented on how the biggest problem in marriage is when two people don't have the same future aspirations any more. One who is unhappy at his job and feels like it's eating away his life commented on how it would feel good to be able to go to work and not give a damn about anything; having that feeling of power that you want to quit anyways so you don't care anymore what happens. One is at a point in her life where she needs to make a decision either to stick around and stay with her boyfriend compromising her career or move away and do what is best for her leaving him behind and that is precisely what she saw in the movie. And then there is me, I understood what the main character was going through, I understood how she felt trapped; living the same day over and over again, knowing that there is much more out there for her but she cannot obtain it because she is trapped in this routine of a life. She has a lot of ambition and dreams but the fact that she has a husband and two kids, stands in her way of following her dreams. She thought her kids stood in the way of her living life as she always wanted to and then she blamed her husband for giving her those kids and sort of forcing her to have them. She wanted to break out of this vicious cycle that she lives in this boring life...nothing seemed interesting anymore!

I am getting to that point too. I think I need a change. It is not that I have a husband and kids but I have other things that I feel entrap me. I need new people in my life...new interests...new hobbies. This song and dance are becoming unchallenging and boring. But what is the point I'll get a new challenge and then what? It is going to become routine again. I'll get new friends, a new boyfriend and then what? I am going to want change again. It is a never ending cycle of always wanting change, something new, something exciting...what happens when I run out of new things to try?

In the movie there was also this crazy guy...the son of the neighbor...but the question is: is he crazy or is he honest and not afraid to say what is on his mind and do as he pleases? Isn't he saying out loud what we all are thinking? Why is he crazy then? Because he doesn't do what the rules of the society tell him to do? One of the people who watched the movie with me thought that he does a lot of thinking which drove him crazy....but couldn't one say that he did a lot of thinking that got him to understand life better? That expected social behavior at the end serves no one and that sugar coding a piece of dirt doesn’t turn it into diamonds. I think we are the crazy ones for following orders and traditions without questioning them; without doing some thinking on our own.

I am starting to lose motivation...I am still exercising and sticking to my goals but I am not excited anymore it just feels like taking medicine now; something you have to do but don't really want to do.

I think I need to find the spark within me. I need to reach a point where I am my own motivation; now that is an ever lasting spark. I cannot rely on others to inspire me and motivate me...I should be the one inspiring and motivating myself and from now on that is how it is going to be!

One comment was made about the movie that scared me a little, which is that what killed that lady and made her unhappy was her ambition. It got me thinking about myself. I am never satisfied with my accomplishments I always think that I could do better, that there is more for me out there. Maybe that is why my high points don't last that long because I am always in search of something new and better. But I do so with the hope that one day I will accomplish something that will bring me satisfaction yet I say this knowing that my nature doesn't allow me to be satisfied...my nature views satisfaction as dangerous as the end of drive and motivation. It makes me wonder...how will it end?

Losing Something Precious

I am supposed to be sleeping now but I woke up with two thoughts; one is worth mentioning because it tracks my progress and one I've been avoiding long enough.

The first, I did something I never thought I would be able to do. I made progress on the self-improvement goal that I've set up for myself and it feels good. I never thought that I would be able to put myself "out there" which is not exactly what I did but I took a big step towards that direction.

The second, until today it never really hit me how much I am affected by the fact that I lost my cat. I've had her for almost three years...actually in a couple of weeks it would've been three years. I've been trying to ignore thinking about it but I can’t help but constantly think about it. When I open the door to my house and I don't see her running down the stairs to say hello to me - it hurts. When my friend tells me a story about a coyote it hurts because I think about what happened to her. When I see a pet or even any animal it reminds me of her - and it fucking hurts. When I wake up in the morning and I can actually move my legs because she is not sleeping between them - it hurts. I know one thing for sure I am never having another pet again, I didn't want her in the first place because I knew I would get attached to her and in 14 years she would die and it would hurt...well I thought it would be in at least 14 years I didn't expect it to be now. I remember when I first got her she was so tiny; she would sleep in my arms like a baby. She always made this breathing sound, like a sigh, when she was sleeping and sounded like a little baby. I think she was confused about her identity..haha I think she thought she was a combination of a human, a dog and a cat. When someone walks into a room and says hello and we all respond she would also meow. She used to sleep on my chest and touch my face with her palm and then give me this look and fall asleep. When anyone cried she would jump on them and lick their face…when I considered killing myself she was there on my lap licking my hand and now I might’ve caused her death.

But I ignored her in the months before she got lost. I was busy hanging out, chilling and being selfish that I barely spent time at home anymore and I think she missed me. I don’t know if I purposely tried to spend less time with her because it became clear to me that I am going to have to leave soon and I can’t take her away from my little sister which meant I am the one who had to get used to living without her. Leaving her wasn’t like leaving someone close to me it was actually more than that, she was a live because I took care of her and if you don't have pets or never had a pet you won’t understand this but there is this deep connection between the pet and the one who usually takes care of the pet in the family…it’s like this mutual understanding that both care the most about the other one (out of the family I am the one that cared the most about her and out of the family I am the one she cared the most about)...and yet I ignored her! I keep thinking that she might've ran away because she didn't feel loved anymore. Although this thought hurts it is still better than the other possibility that I don't even want to think about. I hoped she didn't come back when she first went missing...and it sounds horrible, I know, but I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care that much and I wanted to deal with the pain of losing her now rather than when I am more attached but I realized it’s not the time that you have a pet for or the time that you spend with a person that defines their value to you...it is the quality of the time spent that counts. I fell in love with that cat after the first day that I had her and have I lost her then, now, or in 14 years it would've hurt just as much. But besides that pain that I am feeling right now there are also all these feelings of guilt for not being around more in the past few months letting fear of losing her take away from the time we had left for us to be together. My family and friends think I don't care that I lost her but I've learned to detach from emotional situations and convince myself that it has no affect on me. It has been over a month now and I finally faced myself and said what has been bubbling inside of me and it never felt crappier to be honest with myself but I do need to take the blame for losing her and I do need to face my feelings about it rather than constantly hiding from it. And some people might think that it is only a pet and that is when I know that that person never had a pet that they brought in and took care of on their own while knowing that this pet is here because of you and at the same time feeling that love and appreciation from your pet…so if you think I am over reacting I just hope you never have a pet and have to lose them…so that you would never have to go through what I am going through now and finally understand what I am talking about.