I sort of had a weird weekend; I don't even know how to define it. It was a busy weekend yet kind of slow. Friday night my friends came over and we went out later on that night. I did something that I haven't done before, which is dancing without drinking or without being buzzed also I did another thing which is dancing in a restaurant/lounge with no designated dancing area knowing that most people are looking and judging us with their small minded mentality but I have to admit it was fun and out of ordinary for me. We stayed up that night and went to the Charles River to reserve a spot for the 4th of July fireworks. We stayed there the whole day; I passed out in the tent for a couple of hours and then spent the rest of the day with my friends, their families and mine. I spent most of my time that day playing with a 5 year old kid; he was cute...Who would've thought I would spend time with a kid that I am not forced to spend time with! Earlier on Friday I flipped out on one of my closest friends. She is someone that means a lot to me and I don't think that I handled my frustration with her very well. She said one comment and all came back to me; how I always felt guilty around them, because I always felt like I am being blamed for whatever is going on. But I managed to calm down eventually and apologize and also explain why I reacted the way that I did. I discovered that nothing upsets me as much as someone undermining my judgment or how I read people's actions. I guess spending a lot of time analyzing people and being proud of the fact that I tend to read people correctly 99% of the time, it gets a little frustrating when someone dismisses my opinion and gives it no value. However, it is her opinion and I shouldn't have gotten that upset about it...I think what made it worse is the fact that at times she sounds like a know it all and analyzing people and reading signs is the one area that I wouldn't trust anybody's judgment over mine. And I think this is true for most people, the vibes that we get from people, only we can read them most times and that is because first they are directed at us and not someone else – meaning that other people will get different vibes from the same person. And secondly because other people have better things to do than track down the vibes directed at another individual besides themselves and since these vibes tend to reflect the person’s feelings towards us we tend to care about them (warning: a person could be just having a bad day and reflect something that they don't truly feel therefore one should always keep an open mind the next time they meet that person and if turns out that they don't like them then oh well...they don't have to become best friends). A nice person can be nice to many people yet cold to one person; it doesn't mean they are bad people, it just means that they might not like that person or don’t feel comfortable around them and therefore they can't treat them like they treat everybody else. There is nothing wrong with that, at least in my opinion. I am against people pretending to like someone when they don't...this fakeness that people project all the time is what makes friendships in this country so shallow and meaningless. However, I have to say, I have some of the most amazing people out there who I am lucky enough to call my friends, but as someone who struggled to find good friends when she first came here I have to say the biggest problem was with how people tend to be fake most of the time.
I was thinking today about how falling in love is only a matter of meeting a suitable person at the right time and under the right circumstances. Meaning that there isn't one person out there for each one of us but that there are multiple people out there for each and every one of us we just have to meet them under the right circumstances. So basically what I think I am trying to say is that one lost opportunity is probably another one gained. If it doesn't work out with a person that you liked it's okay because there are a lot of fish in the sea and although you can only catch one at a time you - actually that is not quite true, you can catch many at a time depending on how good of a fisher(wo)man you are - but have to let go of one (or chew and spit out one) in order to be able to fully experience the next one.
I am starting to think that me analyzing people (or saying my observation out loud) is starting to make some of my friends feel uncomfortable and I can see myself starting to apologize for making these observations. But just because I make observations it doesn't mean that I don't like the person...it doesn't mean anything...it just means that I saw something that I thought was worth mentioning. Why is it acceptable to say what we thought of a person as long as the things were positive observations but when they are negative (or undesirable traits according to society) we are supposed to pretend like we never thought them? I mean just because we see something it doesn't mean that judgment is attached to it! I could think someone talks too much but that is only according to me and I understand that and I know that out there someone is going to love that about them...it is just an observation it doesn't mean I don't like them and it doesn't mean I want them to change! And I just wish people, at times, would understand that. But I think the fact that most people tend to comment about others only when there is negative judgment attached to it, it makes us automatically frown when someone says something about someone else (or give the other more common reaction, which is immediately start stating all the gossip that we know about that person). Anyways, I know that I don't have negative feelings when I make observations about people and therefore I will no longer apologize for making these observations and saying them out loud...I mean most of the time, and if I know the person well enough, I tell it to their faces and see if what I saw is what they were thinking...but if I don't know the person very well then there is no reason for them to be completely honest and open with me and there is no reason for me to spend time attempting to understand them better. Maybe next time I’ll engage in a conversation with them and get to know them better and eventually tell them what I thought of them and first and what I think of them now. I see think most people would think that I sound a little self-centered right now; but the truth is that regardless of what we think our lives revolve around us. Everything we see and we think we know is seen and learned through us and with our own perspective added to it. So after all maybe what we need to do is just drop all the masks and show our true selves…and then no observations will need to be stated and no secret intentions will have to be hidden?
A close friend of mine thinks that I should keep trying with people regardless of what I think of them...but that is the difference between us; I don't think that I need to be friends with everybody but I would like to be close friends with everybody that impresses, inspires, interests or strikes me as a good person. And I think it is better to spend time building good, solid and long lasting friendships with a few good people than to spend time making friends with everybody and not enough time with the people that you truly care about. I used to be on the other side of the spectrum; I used to want to be liked by all, so I would make friends with everybody but one day, before I walked away from everybody that I knew (besides my family), I started thinking, if I died tomorrow who would show up to my funeral and feel like they have truly lost a dear friend? Who would get up and say a few words about me and through those words be able to fully capture the person that I was? What if I got in trouble tomorrow, which one of those people can I call for help? And I realized I wouldn't call any of them and they might show up to my funeral and feel sad that they lost a friend or a person they knew but it wouldn't have been a huge deal and me knowing that told me that I had to either build stronger friendships with them or find new people that I can do that with and I decided to find new people for multiple reasons including the fact that it is hard to break a habit and change the way that things are in certain situations, also at times you learn that the situation in the first place is not what you want and so you walk away.
Anyways I’ve been rambling on for long enough where I should’ve actually been sleeping, people are actually waking up and going to work now and I am just about to go to bed…this is not what I would call a habit but it’s definitely something that I want to do less of; I need to start going to bed at a normal time and get more than 4 hours of sleep every night!!!
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