I am supposed to be sleeping now but I woke up with two thoughts; one is worth mentioning because it tracks my progress and one I've been avoiding long enough.
The first, I did something I never thought I would be able to do. I made progress on the self-improvement goal that I've set up for myself and it feels good. I never thought that I would be able to put myself "out there" which is not exactly what I did but I took a big step towards that direction.
The second, until today it never really hit me how much I am affected by the fact that I lost my cat. I've had her for almost three years...actually in a couple of weeks it would've been three years. I've been trying to ignore thinking about it but I can’t help but constantly think about it. When I open the door to my house and I don't see her running down the stairs to say hello to me - it hurts. When my friend tells me a story about a coyote it hurts because I think about what happened to her. When I see a pet or even any animal it reminds me of her - and it fucking hurts. When I wake up in the morning and I can actually move my legs because she is not sleeping between them - it hurts. I know one thing for sure I am never having another pet again, I didn't want her in the first place because I knew I would get attached to her and in 14 years she would die and it would hurt...well I thought it would be in at least 14 years I didn't expect it to be now. I remember when I first got her she was so tiny; she would sleep in my arms like a baby. She always made this breathing sound, like a sigh, when she was sleeping and sounded like a little baby. I think she was confused about her identity..haha I think she thought she was a combination of a human, a dog and a cat. When someone walks into a room and says hello and we all respond she would also meow. She used to sleep on my chest and touch my face with her palm and then give me this look and fall asleep. When anyone cried she would jump on them and lick their face…when I considered killing myself she was there on my lap licking my hand and now I might’ve caused her death.
But I ignored her in the months before she got lost. I was busy hanging out, chilling and being selfish that I barely spent time at home anymore and I think she missed me. I don’t know if I purposely tried to spend less time with her because it became clear to me that I am going to have to leave soon and I can’t take her away from my little sister which meant I am the one who had to get used to living without her. Leaving her wasn’t like leaving someone close to me it was actually more than that, she was a live because I took care of her and if you don't have pets or never had a pet you won’t understand this but there is this deep connection between the pet and the one who usually takes care of the pet in the family…it’s like this mutual understanding that both care the most about the other one (out of the family I am the one that cared the most about her and out of the family I am the one she cared the most about)...and yet I ignored her! I keep thinking that she might've ran away because she didn't feel loved anymore. Although this thought hurts it is still better than the other possibility that I don't even want to think about. I hoped she didn't come back when she first went missing...and it sounds horrible, I know, but I tried to convince myself that I didn’t care that much and I wanted to deal with the pain of losing her now rather than when I am more attached but I realized it’s not the time that you have a pet for or the time that you spend with a person that defines their value to you...it is the quality of the time spent that counts. I fell in love with that cat after the first day that I had her and have I lost her then, now, or in 14 years it would've hurt just as much. But besides that pain that I am feeling right now there are also all these feelings of guilt for not being around more in the past few months letting fear of losing her take away from the time we had left for us to be together. My family and friends think I don't care that I lost her but I've learned to detach from emotional situations and convince myself that it has no affect on me. It has been over a month now and I finally faced myself and said what has been bubbling inside of me and it never felt crappier to be honest with myself but I do need to take the blame for losing her and I do need to face my feelings about it rather than constantly hiding from it. And some people might think that it is only a pet and that is when I know that that person never had a pet that they brought in and took care of on their own while knowing that this pet is here because of you and at the same time feeling that love and appreciation from your pet…so if you think I am over reacting I just hope you never have a pet and have to lose them…so that you would never have to go through what I am going through now and finally understand what I am talking about.
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